The Queen's Rambles

*I’ve been eating oatmeal for breakfast this past week. Those who say a bowl of oatmeal a day will increase a nursing mother’s milk supply aren’t lying. Holy cow! Or should I say “holy big boobies!” I certainly don’t need an increase in milk supply or gigantic boobies. I think I need to find a new breakfast. Yikes!

Elsa loves oatmeal, so it’s just easier to cook us both the same thing. She generally prefers to eat the food that Mike and I eat. I wish Erik would get with the program (and no, I’m not going to force the issue. I decided years ago that I won’t fight about food and I won’t deal with a cranky kid who wouldn’t be cranky if I’d just give him food he will eat).

*I found Elsa in the bathroom with her pants and diaper down, standing in front of the toilet with her stomach pressed forward. She looked exactly like Erik looks when he’s peeing, minus the penis. I sat her on the potty and she peed in the potty! Happy dance time! I let her wander around without a diaper for awhile and she wet her pants, so it is not an instant thing. I’m excited. I guess she’ll be like Erik–potty trained before she’s weaned.

*My mom told me that she’s coming into a bit of money and wants to pay for Erik and Elsa’s tickets to Oregon this summer. I took a deep breath and informed her that I wouldn’t be going back to Oregon again. I told her a few of the things my sister did the last time we were there (making fun of Erik’s clothes to his face, coming over and banging down the door at 6 in the morning to get her make-up, taking all the items from the clearly marked travel kit I had left hidden in a cupboard) and told her that I could not and would not subject myself to my sister’s complete lack of respect for me, my family, and everyone else. My mom didn’t deny it, but she did say “well, you know that’s just how she is.” Yeah, I do know. And that’s why I’m not going back. I think she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I feel bad that the kids are collateral damage, but that’s on my sister not me. Mike and I are really excited about a summer trip that is just for our little family.

Yesterday I got a call from a Mary Kay consultant. My sister had given her my number. I very politely told the lady that MK is a complete scam and suggested she google “mary kay scam” and then return all her stock. I don’t think she appreciated my advice.

Then I called my sister and calmly told her to never, never, never give out my phone number again. She just laughed.

I told my mom about it tonight and she said she was sitting right next to my sister when it happened and told her not to do it. Ugh. No respect. I hope my mom isn’t too hurt, but I would be a fool to go back and subject myself and my family to her behavior.

*Do they make snuggies for your feet? I guess those would be slippers. My feetsies are cold.

Erik got me a snuggie for Christmas, which I find pretty hilarious. I took him to Five Below and let him pick out gifts for everyone he was very thoughtful and did a decent job. He bought gloves for Mike and a lunch box for Elsa. Elsa is obsessed with carrying around his lunch box, so it was a good choice.

*Poor Elsa has a cold. It doesn’t seem that bad when she’s awake, but as soon as she goes to sleep she starts coughing. I have a feeling we are in for a long night.

So Christmas happened. Whew! Kids had fun. Elsa got a little car we can push her around in, so she's happy. I'm not so happy when Erik has the controls–"Hey mom, look at this!" he shouts as he has the thing popping the biggest wheelie ever with Elsa almost hanging upside down. At least she's going to be a tough one since she has an older brother.

Erik got everything he wanted from Santa–the second LEGO Harry Potter Wii game and a pair of camo sweatpants. Mike got Mario Galaxy in his stocking and Erik loves it way more than the HP game. I think we would all like the HP games better if they weren't so danged dark. You can't see what you are doing, which significantly cuts down on the fun. Don't those silly wizards know how to make a magical lamp? Or tap into muggle electricity?

Christmas Day ended up being pretty nice. We spent most of it at home, watching the kids play with their new toys. We didn't go over to our friends' place until late afternoon. We hadn't seen them since Halloween, so the kids were really excited to be reunited and I don't think the boys fought at all. Every year we play a crazy little gift exchange game that involves a timer, dice, and a whole pile of dollar store trinkets. Erik's favorite thing from the game: a purple compact with a pop out brush. I explained that people carry a compact so they can look in the mirror and make sure they look good. He's been explaining that to everyone he meets and showing off his very snazzy purple teddy bear compact. It's hilarious. I should take a video to show him when he's 15.

I shouldn't be surprised that he loves it. He loves looking at himself in the mirror. The day I observed his kindergarten class I noticed that his chair was perfectly lined up with the only mirror in the room. He was spending more time staring at himself than listening to the teacher.

Mike and I have a big plan for this year: save money and replace most of the furniture in our house. This is Mike's way of getting my spending under control since we don't get to buy new things until we hit a certain savings level. We started saving in October, so are ready for our first purchase. We've spent the last two days at furniture shops, sitting on hundreds of uncomfortable couches. Things were either super cheap quality that would last five minutes from stores with terrible reviews or way, way out of our budget.

Ethan Allen cracked me up. They had some nice stuff, but were clearly out of our league. They had serious smelly candles burning somewhere, trying to influence our mood. The saleslady was very kind to Erik and let him do some furniture design. I LOVED the idea of having complete design control over the furniture, but did not love the prices. Erik loved designing, period.

I spent hours scouring the internet for furniture store reviews. The problem in this area: stores take your order, promise delivery in 4-6 weeks, take all your money and you never hear from them again. This happened to us when we first moved to the area. I used to be fairly meek and mild, so surprised Mike and myself when I went into Marlo and had the biggest shit-fit in the history of adult temper tantrums right in front of their customer service counter. We did get our full money back. It seems like some of these stores don't even give you your full money back when you go in months later and demand satisfaction. They keep 25% as a restocking fee, even though there is nothing to restock. What a complete scam. I wouldn't believe this was even possible if it hadn't happened to us.

I finally found a store that had all good reviews and was in our budget! Hallelujah! It is a small, family owned store off the beaten path. They have lower overhead because they don't have a huge showroom. You sample different styles, then pick what you want from catalogs. We finally found couches that were comfortable to sit in! And didn't totally break the bank! Woo-hoo! We ordered a couch and a chair that should be delivered in 4-6 weeks. We only put down a 25% deposit and they seemed really committed to making us happy. I am so thrilled to have found a furniture store that was more to my liking. I don't need all the glitzy frills. I need good quality, good customer service and a decent price. I hope everything is delivered as promised and I don't have to eat my words.

I just felt bad that we took Erik with us. He was obsessed with the idea of designing, so the saleslady gave him this magnetic board with all kinds of furniture to re-arrange. Then she gave him some paper and a marker, so he drew a whole catalog. She taught him how to name his furniture and how to set a price. He was over the top excited and driving me completely crazy. I don't know if that means he was driving her even more crazy because she's not related to him and doesn't have to love him, or if she was finding him amusing because she's not related to him and doesn't have to deal with him on a daily basis. He's a really good kid, but very intense.

I had my little Leftover Holiday Cheer party on Tuesday. It was a major fail. Almost everyone RSVPed yes or maybe, but then everyone got sick or didn't get back to town, so I ended up with two guests–my new Pakistani neighbor and Mike's British buddy. Mike thanked me for throwing a soccer party for them. My Pakistani neighbor was embarrassed for me. It didn't turn out as planned, but I'd honestly prefer that people keep their germs to themselves. I didn't realize so many people were traveling for Christmas since that is never on my agenda. Next year I'll know better than to plan a party that close to Christmas. I was pretty proud of my table setting, so I'll have to post a picture. I put all the Christmas candy in a Christmassy box, but it looked silly so I turned it over and had the candy spilling out. I thought it looked cool, but Erik was mortified that it looked so sloppy. He's also mortified if anyone ever sees his belly button, but likes to be pantsless so his opinion is less than meaningful.

And now for a little country music humor. I love country music, but I am often less than impressed with the lyrics.

Here are some really dumb lyrics from a song called "Bait a Hook." The narrator's girlfriend broke up with him and is now dating a "sissy." I'll take the "sissy" any day of the week. Here's a sample, with my analysis.

I think the hick guy has a lot to learn about what women really want. Alcoholics who are gone every weekend and refuse to be responsible for their belongings are not really high on anyone’s list.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! May all your wheels be screwed on tightly, your games non-scratched, your dollies well dressed and your children better behaved than mine! I’m exhausted after Santa duties tonight!

Every time I look at this picture I wish I would have sent it out as our card. It cracks me up.

I can’t believe Erik has a full day of school today. For some reason I thought it was early release, but nope. Just carry on, children!

I shouldn’t be irked by this school schedule, but I am. Whoever heard of school going clear up to Christmas Eve? What if we were planning on traveling. I hate pulling a kid out of school because it sends the wrong message, but if they are going to have school right up till the big day what are people supposed to do? If we were traveling it would be by air. No way would I spend Christmas Eve at the airports.

It also feels like we’ve had zero time to do any Christmassy stuff leading up to the big day. We’ve done a couple of things, but it has felt rushed. Bah humbug! I am hosting a post-Christmas party on Tuesday, so on Monday I plan on doing some of the baking that I’ve been missing.

Last night I showed Erik his Portable North Pole movie (I’m sure you’ve all seen that site before). He was so over the top happy. He was literally jumping up and down with joy the whole time. Then as soon as it was over he said it was a fake and Santa doesn’t exist. Awwww. I don’t care, but it is just more fun when the kids believe. I tried explaining about Santa living in our hearts when we do good things and he said there was no room for a person to live in a heart, and besides how would he breathe? He’s my logical little man, that’s for sure.

Thank you for all the comments about Elsa and her shyness. I was also a very, very shy child. It was not handled well (what about my childhood was handled well?) so I was pretty miserable as a child. I don’t want that for her. Of course her childhood will be nothing like mine, so it should be ok.

I read something interesting the other day, but I have no idea how true it is. Someone on a message forum said that children of alcoholics can’t tell when people are drunk or when they are lying. I know that is 100% true for me. You would have to be falling down drunk for me to realize you are lying. I can often tell if people are lying in a written medium, but I have no idea how to tell if someone is lying straight to my face. I never connected that to being an adult CoA. I should really read a book about it one of those days. In all my free time, you know?

So when you do up a little girl’s hair in pigtails, how to you keep it looking nice? A little spritz of hairspray? She rolls around on the floor so much that the back of her head turns into a rat’s nest.

Ok, can’t think of anything else. I gotta go do something productive for a change.

I can’t believe I only have a few days until Christmas. I feel so unprepared this year. Last week I was down for the count with the stomach flu, so nothing got done. It took me down hard, but in the end I decided it was food poisoning. No one else got it, so it had to be, right? Ha! Elsa got hit hard with it last night, so I’ve got nothing done today. Hard to make time to wrap gifts when you are changing and bathing a baby every 20 minutes. Her poor little butt is so raw and there’s not much I can do other than what I’m doing.

Mike’s company doesn’t seem to realize the holidays are a hectic time so he’s working 11 and 12 hour days. When am I going to get gifts wrapped? Groceries bought? STUFF DONE????? I hate the people who decided 40 hour work weeks are no longer good enough.

Erik really, really, really, really, really wanted to make his teacher a treat for Christmas, so that was just another thing on my to do list. I usually let him pick out a very small gift, then give a nice gift card. I used to be a teacher. I know a gift card is way more appreciated than a handmade thing that you’ve got millions of because you’ve been in the business for years. Even though you might love your students, you just don’t have space for all their handiwork.

I saw a super easy recipe on pinterest or facebook or somewhere, so I actually let Erik make a treat. He was thrilled, so it was worth it. Plus it was super easy and fairly low cost. It if gets thrown straight in the trash I won’t feel like everything was totally wasted since Erik has gained a feeling of pride in doing a job by himself and he is learning to enjoy giving. Even if the treats are thrown in the trash, he’s gained something from it. And really? Are you going to eat a treat that some grubby looking six year old hands you? Gag. Any treat I ever received went straight into the circular file.

Easy recipe:

Take a bunch of tiny twist pretzels (or the square little pretzels if you can find them. I think they would be better) and put them on a cookie sheet. Unwrap a bunch of Hershey’s Kisses and then stick a kiss on each pretzel.

Pop into a 200 degree oven for 5 minutes.

When they come out, press an M&M onto the top of the Kiss.

Stick in the freezer until the chocolate hardens.

These actually taste really good, too. We used tiny twist pretzels, but as I said above, I think the square pretzels would be better because there would be a bigger pretzel::chocolate ratio.

The beauty of this: a child can actually do this whole thing almost completely by himself and there is very minimal clean-up if you have them put the wrappers in a little bowl as they go.

The downside: naughty little sisters. Elsa got a couple of Kisses and made the biggest mess ever. She didn’t eat them. She sucked on them, got them nice and melty, then smeared chocolate all over my house. The walls looked like they had been spread with feces. It was a surprisingly easy clean-up, but just one last thing I needed.

Also, she found my laptop and pulled the keyboard apart. GRRRRRRRRRRR!!! Aren’t toddlers fun? It’s under warranty so it’s not really a problem, except that I’ll have to be without a laptop for a few days. Woe is me and my first world problems, I know.

I have been such a crummy wife lately that I was going to make a super, extra effort to make sure Mike came home to a fairly clean house and a nice dinner on the table. I really lucked out in the husband department and I know he prefers a clean house even though he never says anything. Heck, I prefer a clean house and I’m the slob in this relationship. Every day I intend to do better and every day I am tired and beaten down by the time he gets home.

All my wonderful plans fell by the wayside because I was too busy cleaning up stomach flu diapers and chocolate smears. I’ll miss this when she’s a sulky teenager, won’t I?

Despite my wrecked laptop, Elsa really is a joy. She’s very shy and doesn’t like to be in trouble so I can take her anywhere. In the past few days she’s gone to the post office twice, to a crowded bakery, Target, Micheals and the grocery store. If she is allowed to roam free she just hangs on my leg. She doesn’t run all over the store. She doesn’t scream and cry. She doesn’t run up to strangers and harass them. She’s just so easy! After surviving Erik’s toddler years, I can hardly believe that she’s for real.

If she would have been my first I would have had a second baby a whole lot sooner. Just looking at her almost makes me want another baby now, and I in no way, shape or form want or need a third child. I feel really bad for the parents who have an easy going first born then have a second child with Erik’s temperament. It must be quite the shock to go from Pollyanna to Godzilla on crack.*

I do worry about her though. Lately when she meets someone new she totally freezes and looks down. It breaks my heart to see her looking so shy and afraid. When I tell her “no” if there is even a hint of aggression in my voice she looks down and looks so very ashamed. I hate seeing her like that. I want her to grow up to be a strong, confident woman. I need to get a book and figure out how to best mother her. The tactics I use with Erik are not going to work with her. That boy doesn’t have a sensitive bone in his body, so I’ve gotten in the habit of being really forceful and sometimes downright mean. I need to learn to tread carefully, which will not be easy after years of fighting with an overly confident, assertive son.

Change of subject:

Anyone need a NetFlix instant streaming recommendation? I notice they just added Terriers to instant streaming. Sadly, it was cancelled after the first season, but it is well worth the watch. All the major plot lines are completely tied up, so you won’t be too angry when it is over. It reminds me a lot of Veronica Mars, if Veronica Mars was an ex-alcoholic middle aged man.

Now that most of the shows I watch are going into re-runs, I’m back to Netflixing. Anyone have some reccs for me? I am almost done with Reaper, which I thoroughly enjoyed even if it is total fluff. I’m also watching and loving FlashPoint, but I can only take one episode at a time. I need another fun series to watch, or even some fun movies. I know nothing about movies. Anything that came out after 2005 is a complete mystery to me.

Same with books, but I don’t have much time to read. I just started a series that I think I’m really going to enjoy. I think it is called the Twenty Palaces series (I love my Kindle, but the one downside is that I’m not constantly seeing the cover of the book I’m reading). My favorite genre of book (epic fantasy) seems to have disappeared entirely, replaced by urban fantasy. Not that urban fantasy is bad, but it just isn’t the same. I love lush new worlds. It seems like all urban fantasy is set in rainy Washington state. Or at least the couple I’ve read. I don’t have a big sample that I’m talking about.

*Thank you, Marie, for that apt description

As a SAHM, I didn’t realize what a luxury it was to be able to go to the mall in middle of a weekday and take care of Santa pictures. With Erik in school full time, we had to join the rest of the world for a weekend Santa visit.

I have a friend with autistic twins. She posted her game plan for her Santa visit (show up a half hour before the line opens to be very near the front) and it sounded good. We did exactly what she did and it would have been a major success if the Santa people would have been prepared. Their camera wasn’t working, so we ended up standing in line for over an hour. How do you have a business that depends on a camera and then not have the camera work?

I had already bought my picture package via Groupon a couple months ago, so there was no way I was leaving if my kids weren’t crying. Thankfully my kids were quite happy. Mike looked like the one most likely to break down.

I wanted the kids to look half-way decent in the picture, so I had Erik in his Christmas sweater. I knew it had a little wool in it and might become itchy, but I wasn’t planning on such a long wait. While in the line I noticed he was lifting his shirt up and licking his shoulders, arms and other parts that he could reach. Children are so. . . . gross. Licking. Really?

I told him to stop, but he said he was itchy. I am allergic to wool, so he had my full sympathies. I would have been throwing a full on major fit if I was wearing a wool sweater for more than sixty seconds. I left Mike with the kids and ran into a store to buy him a t-shirt. We did a quick change in middle of the mall and avoided a meltdown. One of the ladies in the line thought I was spoiling him. I guess so, but so? I am not going to allow my child to be in pain if I can help it. And it kept him happy. Why do I want a miserable child when we are in a potentially miserable situation?

We were next to a lady with a 12 year old and 5 year old, so Erik had fun playing little guessing games with those kids. The 12 year old was great at keeping them entertained, which I appreciated greatly. We were in the worst possible spot in line–this tent thing that was getting really, really hot. Apparently someone passed out from the heat the day before, so they kept telling us to make sure to drink plenty of water. Visiting Santa was starting to sound dangerous!

No one fainted and neither of my kids cried. Elsa was perfectly content with rolling around on the floor and looking behind the curtains. Erik was perfectly content blabbing away to the neighbors in line.

Our luck almost changed when it was finally time to see Santa. I was holding Elsa and tried to put her on his lap, but she did the full body stiffening and made it quite clear that there was no way in mother truckin’ hell she was going anywhere near the man in red without her mama.

That’s why I’m in the picture. Ugh.

All that hassle for a crappy picture. But I love it just the same because it is a picture of my babies and it is all about holiday memories. I like pictures with a little character anyway. Plus, I got to hear Erik’s Santa list and am happy that it is what I thought it would be. He is really struggling with Santa belief this year. I refuse to confirm or deny. I don’t want to lie to the kid, but I love Santa and don’t want to kill the magic for him either. Let him be confused. It’s more fun that way.

I’ve been trying to do Elsa’s hair in ponytails when she’ll let me. My neighbor just now started doing her 5 year old’s hair in ponytails. She says last week was the first time she’d ever made a ponytail. I don’t want to smack talk a little kid’s hairstyle because there are so many more important things in life, but let’s just say that it made me redouble my efforts to practice doing little girl hair. I know it looks like crap right now, but hopefully I will be adept at making cute kid hair by the time she enters school. Yes, I care way too much about appearances. I have worked in the schools too long. Kids with sloppy hair are often the victims of bullying. Of course, that sloppy hair usually stems from a lot of other issues, so it is not really the sloppy hair that causes the bullying.

Enough of that.

Let’s talk fun!

I am feeling so free now that we’ve decided we are going to have a summer vacation that pleases absolutely no one but ourselves. Mike wants to do a road trip and I agree. Neither of us know much about the east coast, but there is so much to see and do if we just get out and explore. We’re currently thinking about heading up to Boston. We’d take a couple of days to get there and a couple of days to get home. Could be a lot of fun, I think! If any of you live on the route from DC to Boston, give us a shout. We’d love to meet-up with some friends along the way. Or give us advice about places that are worth a visit. The last time we planned a road trip we got a ton of welcome advice from you guys and it made our trip so much better. We loved exploring Virgina, a place we knew almost nothing about. My only regret is that we stayed in the same hotel the whole time. It was a great hotel and served our needs well, but it would have been even better if we would have done a small bit of driving every day and explored different places along the way. We could have made a big circle, but we didn’t realize that until later. Live and learn, right? I always forget we are on itty-bitty east coast geography instead of huge Oregon mountain geography. It’s about time we start taking advantage of it.

I was trying to find out some information to help me with Christmas shopping, so I went delving deep into my journal. I knew what I wanted to know happened when we were in Oregon this summer. What a depressing lot of entries to read. My dad was dying, I was super sick and my sister was completely off her rocker. I’d honestly forgotten most of the crap she pulled, probably because I was so sick and upset that I have sort of blocked out all those memories. I’m glad I had them written down and I’m glad I decided to re-visit the entries because it made one thing very clear. I can not ever go to Oregon again (at least not my home town). If a friend of mine posted everything I had posted, then continued to visit I would write off my friend as completely clueless. I would very quickly lose sympathy for a person who continued to put herself in such situations and I would wonder why she would ever, ever, ever allow her children to be put in harm’s way. It’s time to end it. My sister has absolutely no respect for me or anyone else.

I was in this mindset last night when I came across her latest FB post, crying that it was so sad her children couldn’t sing songs about Jesus during their school Christmas program.

I may have started some Facebook dramaz. Nothing too bad, just a comment that it’s called separation of church and state and that there is nothing sad about it. Her children can sing as many songs to God as they want when they are at home or at church. It’s fun arguing with someone who has no clue about history. She didn’t even know what the term separation of church and state means. Literally. Did. Not. Know. That’s what happens when you spend your high school years running away from home, selling drugs and your body.

Now I have a whole slew of known drug dealers, ex-cons, current cons, parents of multiple children born out of wedlock to different partners, cheaters, and abusers praying for my soul and telling me I should leave America and go straight to hell where I belong. Because they are very Christian, you know.

Let me make this clear: I have nothing against the truly Christian among you posting thoughtful things about your faith. Or even flippant, funny things about your faith. You live your life that way and that’s who you are. Sometimes it is even interesting to me. Sometimes I even agree with the sentiment, if not with the source.

I just have a real problem with people who in no way live anything resembling a Christian life constantly posting about how much they love Jesus, want to praise him, live for him, love him, so on and so forth. And by the way! I can finance a mission trip to Fiji for my sister. Wouldn’t that be great! It’s sickening. I think I would hate it even more if I was still a Christian.

When I was a Christian I took my faith very, very seriously (part of the reason I can no longer be a Christian, I was very much in the all or nothing camp). It is a mockery to have these people saying they will pray for me. My sister and her husband defrauded my grandma for over $200K and are only free due to the severe deficiencies of the criminal justice system. And they are praying for my soul because I get irritated with their constant FB hypocrisy.

I solved the problem. I just unsubscribed from her feed. Now I can be less irritated in my life. Why didn’t I do that sooner? I almost want to block her, but I don’t want her calling here.

I also announced to Mike that we are not traveling to Oregon this summer. No way. No how. It’s my 20th high school reunion, so my family was hoping to get me back there to participate in that, but I don’t give two hoots about any of the people who are planning on attending. It would be fun to see some of my old HS friends, but as far as I can tell they are not going. I don’t blame them. I don’t want to go either. My hometown is a hell hole. We’ve all managed to make our escape and don’t need to go running back for any reason. I’ve informed Mike that he must forbid me from buying tickets, no matter how addled guilt makes my brain. I believe he is a very happy husband right now.

My mom and sister are both afraid that I’ll never go back now that my dad and grandma are dead. After reading through those last entries, they are right. I won’t go back. Why should I? Why should Mike and I spend our vacation time and money on a bunch of people who are dangerous and disrespectful lunatics? My mom can come out here to see the kids. I feel bad for my niece and nephews, but I seriously doubt if they care that much.

If my sister wants to see my kids so badly, she can get a bleepin’ j-o-b and make arrangements to meet us in a fun destination spot. How about Denver? It is not my financial responsibility to make sure she can pretend to love my kids for five minutes.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

Ok, just needed to get that all out.

You guys will not believe the birthday party we went to today. It was gross-tacky. It was a 6 year old’s party at a bouncy house from 10:30-noon. In my peer group, this means that parents wouldn’t stay unless they were family friends. It also means that food would be provided for all guests, parents included.

I asked if it was a drop-off party and it wasn’t. Fair enough. There were 26 kids and 24 adults. In-frickin-sane.

The boy is in Erik’s class, so I didn’t really know the parents. The hosts always act hoity-toity and I know they live in the McMansions by the school. That doesn’t mean jack these days with everyone losing their shirts in the mortgage crisis, but I get the idea these people really want to keep up with the Joneses.

So they force the parents to stay. They don’t serve the parents a single drop of water, offer a bite of food or even a piece of cake! I’ve never been to a party like this that didn’t have at a minimum a veggie tray and cooler of bottled water for the parents. One guy asked where the drinks were, and the dad joked and said we could go drink out of the sink in the bathroom. I wanted to vomit.

Sheesh, people. If you can’t afford a big, fancy party then don’t plan a big, fancy party. Skimping on the food makes you look worse than opting for a small party.

Erik had fun, but it was certainly a miserable 90 minutes for me. I had other things to do and there was not a reason on this earth that I needed to be standing around with all these strangers while a bunch of college kids supervised the party.

Ok, gotta finish making some cookies. I really need to sit down and make a to-do list for this week. I’m starting to get panicky because I don’t have a to-do list and the panic makes me procrastinate so I don’t make a list so I panic. Clear as mud, right?

I’m finally sort of feeling better. I can’t leave the house right after I eat, but I did risk a trip to Target this morning and didn’t have any problems. Mike and I are starting to think that I had food poisoning. Last night we thought Elsa was coming down with the flu, but that never materialized (I have never been so happy to be wrong). I don’t see how I could be this sick and not infect anyone else. Must have been something at the restaurant we ate at on Saturday.

I spent almost 5 days eating nothing but rice. I had protein for the first time today. I didn’t even feel hungry until about 6 pm tonight. I was starting to seriously consider going on an extreme diet and living on rice for the next several months. I could be skinny! It’s easy to plan out when you have absolutely no desire for food.

Back when I was having gallbladder problems I ate nothing but rice and beans and Wasa crackers for almost a month. I lost 20 pounds. A diet is a lot more successful if you know you will suffer immediate, debilitating pain. That’s what scares me about lapband surgery. I am not educated enough to know how it works, but I think it works by making you sick if you overeat. I don’t want to be sick if I overeat. I don’t want to be scared to eat things I enjoy. I guess things do taste better than being thin, Oprah. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been thin.

I’m pondering starting a low-fat diet and seeing if I can stick to it, now that I’ve had a five day purge of everything I usually crave. I bought the ingredients for the recipe I posted above. I’m tired of my chicken and spinach wrap lunch, so maybe vegetarian burritos will be my new thing.

I’m looking back at my recipe blog and wondering why I never make some of those things anymore. The couscous salad is delicious. I think I stopped making it because Erik created such a mess when he would eat it. I guess I don’t need to get out cookbooks to add a little variety to our menu plan–I just need to go back and figure out what we used to eat.

Speaking of Erik and his messes. That boy. Argh!

I swear his sister can eat more neatly with a spoon than he can. And she’s 1. And she’s not a neatness prodigy. Did I spoon feed him too long? I stopped when he was 3. At that point I refused to do it any longer, even though Mike would still spoon feed him his dinner. Now that I’m seeing my 1 year old can spoon feed herself just fine, I’m wondering what the heck I was thinking.

Of course, that girl has never let me put a spoon in her mouth at all. We had major food issues in the beginning and I gave up on purees. That was a major part of our problem; she didn’t want assistance. She certainly doesn’t have food issues now, though she still doesn’t want assistance. With anything. Ever.

I can’t believe I’m still sick. Stomach flu shouldn’t last this long! Thankfully it is not a full flu happening with both ends, but it is still not very pleasant.

We were supposed to go to Mike’s holiday party tonight. I even arranged for a babysitter. I called to cancel earlier this morning, so at least that means I don’t have to try to clean my house and go and buy party clothes and make-up and figure out my hair all on a day when I can’t leave the bathroom. I would have done several of those tasks on Sunday, but on Sunday I was buried in my bed under every blanket in the house. I’ve never been so cold in my life.

At least the fever portion is gone, right?

Last night was hell. Elsa decided she didn’t want to sleep. Mike and I both refused to get up, so we alternated patting her and rubbing her and telling her to lay down. I probably should have got up with her so Mike could sleep, but that didn’t occur to me in middle of the night. Lay down and shut up, was all that was occurring to me.

I really thought we were going to make it to the party tonight, so I risked a short excursion last night. I had to get my brows waxed. No way I could go to a party with my wild brows.

Now here’s where you either praise me for my problem solving skills or tell me I’m the biggest dork ever.

Probably the biggest dork ever.

I was feeling pretty good, but I knew if I put any pressure on my stomach all hope would be lost. My closet is really dark and the super cheap LED light I installed does nothing but shine on two shirts. I knew I had a stash of fat pants in the closet, but I couldn’t find them.

And I never did find them, but I found a pair of maternity pants.

Yup. I wore maternity pants to get my brows done. It was ridiculous. I always moan and complain and say my belly is bigger than it was when I was pregnant, but my maternity pants tell a different story (probably helps that I have eaten nothing but rice for three days). I could pull those things up to my neck.

Everyone was out getting all their kids haircuts for the holiday season. I need to get my kids hair cuts as well, but who has time? I thought I was going to have to dash out of there before they even called my name.

It was an awful experience and I ended up with an awful eyebrow stylist. I don’t know what she did, but I’ve never had my brows so swollen and angry red after a waxing. Yes, they are always red, but never swollen. It was bizarre. They are still swollen this morning. I need to stop going to the cheap place and find a real salon. The brow lady used to be really good, but I haven’t seen her the last few times.

^^^^^^^^^

All the above was written this morning. It has been a long, long day. I am still not 100% well, though am doing much better. Elsa now has the stomach bug. It is looking to be a long, long night.

And my eyebrow area is still swollen, so maybe it’s a good thing we didn’t make it to the party. I look like a neanderthal with my eyebrows hanging over my eyes.

My new neighbor doesn’t care that we have the stomach flu. She wants to talk. She must be seriously desperate, because I bolt the door against anyone who tells me there’s the remotest possibility they might be carrying a stomach virus. She brought me dinner one night–a plain chicken soup that I couldn’t stomach (I didn’t tell her that). It was a very kind gesture.

She watches by the window, and comes out as soon as the kids get off the bus. She wants me to go into her house, which is fine on a normal day but I hate to spread my virus in her breathing space. She’s pregnant and has two babies. Her choice though, I guess.

I guess she wanted to know how old I was. It was kind of funny how she took a very round-about way to ask my age. She wanted to know what year I got married, then how old I was when I got married. Tricky!

She’s 24. She came home from school one day when she was 17 and her father announced that she was engaged. She was engaged for two years, but never set eyes on her husband until their wedding day. Even then she couldn’t see him (I think because she was heavily veiled). She didn’t even know what he looked like when he came into the bedroom at 2 am on their wedding night. I am just so horrified. She said it was the most terrifying moment of her life. I know if I was 19 and about to be forced to have sex with some guy who was my new husband and in complete control of me for the rest of my life I would be terrified too! She had no idea what he would do to her.

She was going to tell me more, but her husband arrived home from work unexpectedly. I don’t know how old he is, but if he’s under 40 I’ll eat my hat.

When my Hindu neighbor was telling me about her arranged marriage I got such a different vibe. I still found it bizarre and terrible, but at least she did have a lot of control. She chose her own man, even though she didn’t know him. They interviewed people who knew him and a bunch of other stuff to try to insure he was a decent human being. It was more like a very high stakes Match.com date of her choosing than a forced marriage.

I know a ton of American women who do online dating on the various sites. They have to go through a lot of toads to get their princes. Can you imagine having such high stakes in the dating game? Pick one, marry him, hope it goes well. Yeesh!

Not that our culture is perfect. I went down a windy internet highway and ended up on a site about the Quiverfull movement, the fundamental Christian movement popularized by the Duggars. You want some batshit crazy, you should read some of that stuff. Of course it is just a very small minority of Christians who go that far. Also, that site is a little extreme. They basically say that all homeschoolers will eventually turn into quiverfull families and beat their kids with PVC pipes. I know many homeschooling families of all religious stripes and that is not even a possibility for any of them. I think the moms I know would be more likely to beat the quiverfull people with a pipe if they suggested they discipline their child in such a manner. Obviously, though, these ideas come from somewhere and the posters on that site have lived it. There is a whole manual out there about how to beat your kids the Christian way. Truly disgusting for any true Christian or any one who has ever proclaimed to be a Christian.

Why am I even bringing it up? I lost my train of thought.

Oh yes. To remind myself that it is not just my neighbor’s culture. Things like that can happen anywhere. That anti-quiverfull site was an eye-opener. The difference, of course, is that in America there are escape systems in place. It is really hard, though, when you are raised to believe you will rot in hell if you take advantage of those escape systems. Not that all the women were raised that way. One of the saddest stories on there was about a woman who was raised by two feminist lesbians. Her act of teen rebellion (skipping college and marrying an ultra-“Christian” dude) cost her 25 years of complete unhappiness.

Aren’t I just a ball of fun these days?

Heck, I am a ball of fun. I made cookie dough on Saturday and didn’t have a chance to actually make cookies until tonight. I still felt like crap, but was well enough to roll out the dough and let Erik take care of the rest. I couldn’t find my camera, so the whole point was ruined. No photos! I need photos!

The fun came when I forgot that Elsa was roaming free. I went down to the basement to talk to Mike. I knew Erik was very happily working on the cookies. When I came back up, Elsa’s face was stuck in a bowl of green frosting and she was double-fisting sprinkles. And I can’t find my bleepin’ camera!

I am always on the search for a tasty soft sugar roll out cookie (I have the recipe for the best ever drop sugar cookie). My search this year failed me big time. Very, very soft. Very bland. Bah! And it even had a bunch of spices in it, so I don’t understand.

Yeah, yeah, I could go the easy route and roll out store bought dough. It would save a lot of aggravation, but have you seen the ingredients list? Nasty. I did it one year, but it wasn’t worth it.

Ok, I think I better head for bed while I have the chance. Maybe I can sleep for a bit before the evening fun starts up.

Oh man. I am sick. Yuck yuck yuck.

I got a flu shot last week and now I have the flu? Or something like the flu? I am not against vaccinations and don’t like to feed into the “the shot gave me the flu!” but it certainly feels like suspicious timing. I know it is not a live virus, so it can’t actually cause the flu.

Thankfully I have not been feverish today, just achy and having problems with my tummy. Yesterday I couldn’t get out of bed, so this is major progress.

I’m so glad Elsa is such a calm, happy girl. She is content to play by herself and wander around talking about her hair. She’s obsessed with patting her head, saying “hair, hair, hair, hair, hair.” She loves her mommy, but she does not feel the need to be attached to me every second of the day. If you have to be a mommy when you’re sick, Elsa is the perfect child to have around.

Not really looking forward to the bus coming in 2 hours. Erik forgot his lunch box at school, so he had to eat the school lunch. He is always grouchy-hungry when he gets home on the days he eats school lunch. I plan on feeding him the second he gets in the door and giving him a major gift: unlimited video game time. Hopefully that will let us survive the afternoon.

I want to thank you all for your advice and insights regarding my new neighbor. Most of you know that I cross-post to livejournal and my queenoframbles.com blog. I had some really great insight from commenters on both sites and I really, really, deeply appreciate it. The poor girl has herself in quite a pickle and I’m certainly not going to be able to fix that. I will be able to lend her support if she needs it, I hope. I am guessing she is under 25. I’m 37. I’m totally wrapped up in my kids. She wants to go shopping and do make-up. She says her 2 year old only drinks Coke. My six year old has never had a soda. We are very different.

But I am going to let her show me how to do my make-up. I’m going to invite her and the kids on some adventures (I have enough car seats–just have to install them). I printed out a list of English classes in the area, so maybe she will be able to do those. They all have weekend hours, so maybe her husband will be able to drive her.

I can’t become her whole support systems–I have a very busy life of my own. But I can definitely relieve a little bit of her loneliness, in my own clunky way. I’d really love to get her hooked up with people who have more in common with her. I think she and my Indian neighbor would be a great friendship match. Too bad her politics won’t allow that.

I invited her over for a bit the other afternoon and it was fine, if awkward. She commented that it is so hard to be herself in English and I tried to tell her I understood since I was an immigrant once myself. It is hard. So very hard. I guess we’ll see what happens. Not that it is any of my business, I suppose.

Her eyes did about fall out of her head when she saw the amount of toys we have in the living room. I didn’t even tell her that our living room hardly had anything. The majority of the toys are in the basement. And we have a lot less toys that many of my friends since we don’t have any family members buying toys as presents. My mom does buy toys, but only if she asks us first and we talk about what would be useful for the kids to have. She doesn’t go overboard, like many of my friends’ parents an inlaws.