The Queen's Rambles

Holy smokes, I’m tired. My friend had to go do something, so I agreed to watch her three year old son. He’s a good kid, but he’s a three year old boy. I forgot how exhausting they can be. I know everything he did was completely developmentally appropriate and he’ll grow out of a lot of it, but it was tiring to keep up with. At that age they just go from task to task to task, making a mess and not sticking with anything. A new place is even more crazy since there’s so many new things to explore. And the running. I forgot all about the running. He wasn’t even as bad as Erik used to be, but it was enough to make me call and get Mike and appointment for a vasectomy (not really, but maybe I should do so on Monday since he doesn’t seem to be in any hurry. Now that we are using a family Google calendar it should be easy to schedule, right?).

Then Erik came home from school, my friend came over with her daughter and Erik brought another boy over so I had three kindergarteners, a toddler and a preschooler running all over my tiny townhouse, tearing everything a part and beating each other with light sabers. Neighborhood kids were knocking on the door every five minutes wanting Erik to come out. I was very ready for Calgon to take me away.

Speaking of Calgon taking me away. . . I’m getting a new bathtub! And it’s going to be 3 inches deeper than my current tub!

We had some money back from our taxes, so we budgeted a certain amount for home improvements. One of my friends has a handyman husband who I really like and trust, so I gave him a call and he came over to give estimates on a few things. The new tub installation was cheaper than I thought it would be! I wish I could get a giant tub with jets and all that, but it is a very small space. I’m getting the biggest tub that will fit in the space. I can’t wait.

We’re also getting a new French door with built in blinds for the basement. That was way more expensive than I thought, but mainly because there is a lot of work that needs to be done around the opening.

But back to my day. Did I mention I’m tired?

While my friend was here, Erik started whining that he wanted them all to leave so he could go play video games at another friend’s house. So embarrassing. I swear this child has no tact at all. I suppose most 6 year old boys don’t. By the time the afternoon ended I was ready to beat him with his stuffed snake (literally a plush snake toy). I didn’t, but I sure could have. Rudeness and whining are two things I just can’t tolerate.

How do you teach a child manners when they want to argue with you about everything?

He has invitations to two parties on the same day. He picked the one he wants to go to. He says he is going to tell the other kid that he has a better party to attend. My mom and I tried and tried to coach him to say “Sorry, I can’t come to your party because my mom has other plans.” Full stop. No explanation. We went round and round and round. He keeps saying he is going to tell the kid “Sorry, I can’t come to your party because I have other plans. . . to go to a better party.” He doesn’t seem to have any understanding of why that would be rude and hurtful.

Anyway, I think I am going to go see if Elsa is asleep so I can watch Fringe! I am so excited that they are letting them finish up with a 13 episode season. I didn’t think it would happen. By all rights is shouldn’t happen. But it is happening! I even dreamed I was in Fringe last night.

Also, I think I just got horse radish in my eye. Owie!

Thankfully I’m starting to feel back to normal. I still have a little soreness, but I can do just about everything except lift Elsa. I’m not sure anyone should be lifting that girl. I think she must weigh 40 pounds. Guess we’ll find out on Friday at her 2 year appointment.

I felt well enough to take my mom to Ikea yesterday. What a zoo! Of course, we knew it would be like that, but it was pretty exhausting. We took Erik because he loves the playland, but then he wasn’t able to play in the ball pit because someone peed in it. Talk about wanting to throw up!

Later we went over to a Kohl’s that’s a little farther afield than our local Kohl’s. I need to start shopping there more often for women’s clothing. It’s funny what a big difference the buyer makes. Their plus-sized selection was much younger than our local store, but they hardly had any toddler girl clothes.

I set up a “family” gmail account since I didn’t really want my current e-mail address listed in the PTA newsletter. I am still using my mosaicminds.net e-mail, so it just felt awkward. I know of at least one person who was curious and looked it up. Mike showed me the google calendar feature, which I sort of knew about but it never really entered my brain to use it. Nothing wrong with an old fashioned calendar on the wall, right? Now I’m obsessed with entering all my events. And then they pop up on my phone! Whoa. . . I’m entering the world of smartphones and technology. There’s just been so much new technology in the past five years that I can’t keep up.

Coordinating events on the calendar should be very helpful for us as a family. Communication is always a good thing, right? That’s my biggest problem in life. I think everyone should just know what I am planning and thinking and when they don’t magically read my mind I get cranky.

I’ve been very un-cranky today. Mike and my mom both commented on it, and I’ve noticed I’m a lot happier than I have been in weeks. Not being in constant pain seems to have a positive effect on my personality. Who’d have thunk it?

Although now I have another health worry. I’ve noticed a sore, hard lump behind my ear. It is not mobile like the pilar cysts on my scalp, so I’m a little worried. Should I call my regular doctor for an appointment or should I wait for my dermatologist appointment on April 30? My body loves to grow weird things, I guess. Cancer scares the shit out of me. I lost a five-year old cousin to cancer when I was eight. I usually don’t think of cancer in terms of myself, even though I grow all these lumps all over my head (and ovary and ear). I usually get myself freaked out thinking about Erik getting diagnosed. For some reason I always have these horrible anxiety driven scenarios about Erik, but I never think about these things happening to Elsa. I need therapy or something.

Does anyone read the Bloggess? Rather, does anyone NOT read the Bloggess? Wouldn’t she be a great judge on Iron Chef America? I never watch this show, but my mom is watching it right now. I think it needs an injection of Bloggess bizarreness. I have no idea if she is a foodie.

Speaking of shows, I can’t get this weeks Fringe episode out of my mind (season 4, ep 19). I won’t give any spoilers, but I will say I watched it twice and it was even better the second time. I never watch shows twice, especially not within two days of each other. I keep crying every time I think about it since I am pretty sure the show will be cancelled. This ep would be a great set-up for a feature film. Who knows what they are planning. I need more Fringe.

Ok, time for bed. Back to real life tomorrow. My mom has been getting Erik ready for school, but I think I need to jump back into the mom role.

I am bored out of my freakin’ skull. I hate laying around in bed for days. It’s not even comfortable, but I feel pretty trapped. The stairs really agitate my side. If I make an appearance in a public area, Elsa takes it as an invitation to crawl all over me. I am so sad when I see her little mama-wanting pouty face, but I really can’t stand to have her kick me in the side right now. I guess having an organ pulled out of your body is pretty traumatic. I was expecting to feel a lot better today.

I ordered a big climber set for Elsa’s birthday and set it up for an in-store pick-up. I was really dumb and didn’t pay attention to the part that said I would have to be there with photo ID. I could have put it in Mike’s name, but it never occurred to me. So today I got to go on a car ride that just about killed me. Something about your body moving so fast without being in control of all the bumps and jiggles is just really bad post surgery.

Elsa is totally in love with the climber thing. I was afraid it would be too small, but it seems to work for the moment. I really wish there was something between a toddler size climber and a full-on huge jungle gym for a little townhouse backyard. There’s a market for it, at least in our area. If I was a builder type person I would start making them and make a million bucks. I’d really like to buy a big slide and build a tower, but I know I don’t have that capability.

I’ve been watching way too much Hulu and Netflix and am totally bored with it all. Netflix kind of chaps my hide. Why don’t they have any of the shows I want to watch on streaming? And how come I can never find any decent movies? Bah. I should bite the bullet and sign up for DVDs again. Except Elsa pulled the DVD player out of my laptop and I can’t get it back in. I better get it taken care of before my warranty expires, eh?

Nothing else is going on. My world is pretty small at the moment. I did manage to make Elsa a birthday cake, though it was a two day process. Loving my new Kitchen Aid stand mixer! I whipped up a big bowl of 7 minute frosting with almost zero effort. That’s what I call a modern day miracle.

Elsa is the funniest, happiest, sweetest girl you can imagine. This picture is from Easter, but she looks pretty much the same today. Except her face is covered in red marker.

She has been such a joy these two years, even when she is exhausting. And she is getting really, really exhausting. She may be happy and funny most of the time, but she is also TWO and those twos are terrible. She wants to sit in her big brother’s booster seat, she wants to dress herself, she wants to do exactly what she wants when she wants. Sound like a two year old?

She talks talks talks non-stop, and leaves you no doubt about what she wants. When Erik turned two his doctor was on the fence about having his speech evaluated. We didn’t do it at that point because bilingual children typically start talking later than their peers. Instead of saying one or two words, he just started speaking in complete sentences about a month after he turned two.

Elsa, on the other hand, has been trying out words since she was 9 months old. She speaks in complete sentences now and has tons of words for everything.

I really wanted to do her birthday post justice, but I’m on percocet at the moment and can’t concentrate. My mom is talking on the phone and her voice is so loud that my ear drum is about to burst.

We had a pretty exhausting day around here. Erik starts soccer tomorrow and still needed cleats and shin guards. Mike was going to buy them, but I don’t know what happened with that. I thought I was feeling well enough to walk around a store, but I was so wrong. I thought I was going to pass out, which was not a pleasant feeling.

Elsa was quite a pill today because she is missing her momma. I have my new Kitchen Aid stand mixer, so I thought I could whip her up a cake in no time. And I did. I LOVE my mixer! But by the time it came out of the oven I was freakin’ exhausted and didn’t have any sugar so I couldn’t do the icing even I wanted to do it.

We also had a handy-man over to give some estimates on different things we want done. I had to walk up and down the stairs a couple of times, so that wore me out. I hate being such a wimp! I guess surgery is a good excuse, though.

I finally got smart and locked myself in my room after Elsa kicked the hell out of my stomach. I slept several hours and woke up feeling incredibly guilty for not having a birthday cake for Elsa.

Surprise! Someone from MOMS Club had brought her a present, birthday cupcakes, a balloon, flowers for me and a very tasty dinner. I love MOMS Club.

Erik has started wearing his hair in a mohawk.

If you lived in Sweden in the early 2000s, you will get this reference: he looks like he belongs on Zed TV. If you didn’t live in Sweden in the early 2000s. . .well. . he looks like a very stylish Swedish MTV VJ kind of guy.

The boy is not lacking in self-confidence. He got his report card yesterday and is doing great academically. “Of course, mom, I am the smartest person in Kindergarten.” Oh reeeeeallllly?

He also told me he is the most handsome kid in kindergarten and needs me to call a magazine so he can be in a magazine. I explained that you have to stand still and listen to a bunch of grown ups telling you what to do if you want to be a model. He lost interest, thank goodness.

Ok, I feel like I am writing and writing and writing and not saying anything remotely interesting or connected. My head hurts. I want to watch Fringe.

The good news: even though I am still sore from the surgery, the constant, horrible ovarian pain is all gone. I had no idea how bad it hurt until the pain was gone.

You probably saw on facebook that I came home yesterday. I am very thankful that Dr. Grossman was able to do the laproscopy instead of a full cut. Things went well, I guess, but they did have to take my whole ovary out. I’m a little upset about that, but can’t quite put a finger on why. I remember telling Mike I was happy because it would mean I only get a period every other month and he just looked at me like I was nuts. Now that I am not totally drunk on anesthesia I realize that is not how things work. I go in for a follow-up in two weeks, so I’ll ask what the implications of a missing ovary are. Obviously half the fertility rate, but I am done having kids.

I am having a really hard time concentrating on this writing. Forgive me if it is all over the place and makes no sense.

The hospital experience here was so much nicer than the experience in Sweden when I had my gallbladder out. Helps to understand the language! Here, they were much more concerned about my comfort. Every single person who worked on me in the OR, came into the pre-op and introduced themselves to me. The anesthesiologist gave me something so I wouldn’t puke my guts out and it was very successful. No puking for me!

My throat is pretty sore, my incision site is pretty sore and my shoulder is starting to hurt from the gas. I’m just laying/sitting in bed all day. I learned my lesson from my Elsa c-section. No up and down the stairs for me. Thank goodness my mom is here to take care of Elsa and Erik.

I was very worried about Elsa and nursing and her being a huge toddler who likes to climb all over me. We called my mom on the way home and told her to hide Elsa in the basement (it’s the play room, not like a big, dark, scary room) while I came in. Mike and I switched sides in bed last night and I put a big body pillow between me and Elsa, so she never even knew I was home until this morning. I protected myself with the body pillow and she was able to nurse.

Later, she did NOT want to go with my mom. She was determined she was not going to leave my side after missing me all day yesterday, but once she got rowdy my mom took her down. I feel bad for my mom because she can barely lift Elsa, esp when she is fighting. I would wager a guess that she weighs 40 pounds. She is BIG and DENSE. And very tall. And fights like a devil.

I was really surprised when I had blood coming out of my lady parts and asked if they did the laproscopy that way. They didn’t, but I guess when you have internal bleeding down in that area the blood finds a way out. Fancy.

I have a Gymboree coupon and want to go buy Elsa some summer clothes, but obviously that is not happening. I thought about doing it online but was having a hard time reading the clothing descriptions.

When the nurse was discharging me yesterday I knew she was speaking English and I could understand some of her words (she was totally American, no accent) but didn’t know what she was saying. When we got in the car I asked Mike if he could understand her and he thought I was crazy. Good thing someone could understand her.

I would make a terrible drunk. I guess that’s why my dad was always so stupid and everyone had to repeat things a million times.

My mom is buying my sister a house. Her money, her foolishness, her choice. Still boggles my mind. She just wants them out of her house, but she wants the kids close enough to walk to her home.

Ok, I am getting really loopy. I want to brush my teeth before I crash again.

Is anyone watching Awake? Does anyone remember the episode with Kate? She was successful in one world and a druggie in the other world. I can’t remember what she had to do with the case. Does anyone know?

Why didn’t they get Dr. Weaver to play the evil queen on Once Upon a Time? She’d be perfect for the role. The current actress is pretty terrible. The episode with the queen being young and getting married was just awful. Sometimes it can be good, but that one set my teeth on edge.

Spring break did not turn out how I expected. I thought we would do some fun things, but instead I had a a series of not-so-fun doctor’s appointments. I did get some great news though. I have excellent blood pressure and and EKG shows I have a perfect heart. I had to get an EKG because I’m so fat. Wouldn’t want the fat chick to die on the table during hairball removal.

By the way, do not google “dermoid cyst” and click on images. You will seriously vomit. And now you’re going to do it anyway, aren’t you? Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I just wanted an idea of what might be causing all this pain. I knew it would be gross, but had no idea just how freakin’ gross a mass of wild hair, bones and teeth could be.

I’m just glad the surgery is on Wednesday. The pain has been pretty bad. I’m very eager to get this thing out of me.

Elsa is still nursing. I don’t know how this is going to play out. My mom is very worried, but I am trying to be zen about it. What happens will happen.

I was going to post some pictures from Easter and Elsa’s mini-party, but Flickr is not uploading right now. I never did find a Curious George cake, but the bakery said if I brought in an image they could print it on edible paper and put it on the cake. I ended up buying a set of digital images from an Etsy shop and making a cute little monkey cake. I was not totally pleased with the way it came out (the ink was too light and the edible paper was crinkled) but it was still pretty cute. Elsa was happy. That’s the important thing.

We had a very low key Easter. We were so busy that we didn’t even dye eggs until Sunday afternoon. I hid filled eggs instead, which worked out fine. I don’t really know why we even dyed eggs. Erik did a great job this year, but Elsa as a menance. She was smashing them, throwing them, and covering herself in dye. I would have had a complete meltdown if Erik did that at her age. I think at that age I probably was hovering over him, controlling every aspect of the egg dying process. With Elsa, I just took her shirt off and let her go. She decided her belly was an egg and kept slapping the dye onto her tummy. By the end she looked like she had some dread fungal disease.

I spent a lot of very stressful hours trying to fix my websites this weekend. I basically have no idea what I’m going, especially when I start getting into the MYSQL and php. I fixed my MOMS Club site, only to find out I destroyed my other sites in the process. Then I had to go backwards and try to get them working again. At the moment I think everything is working. I am so thankful that there are people who write step-by-step instruction guides, even if I have no idea what half the steps even mean. Sometimes I think the instructions could easily be “how to hack your site so that I, the evil guide writer, can have full control” guides and I’d never even know it.

Guess I better get to bed. Erik goes to school for the first time in 11 days tomorrow. It is not going to be pretty.

Did I mention that we got Erik some hermit crabs? He is completely terrified of insects. We had a fly in the bathroom the other night and he flat out refused to go in there. So he wanted crabs? Which look like gigantic, disgusting spiders? Makes no sense. He’s even got Elsa scared of insects. When she sees one she yells “Bider, bider, bider!” Then we say “nooooo, that’s just an ant.” Then she eats it.

It’s too bad the crabs are nocturnal. They sleep all day and I guess they skitter around at night. If you turn the lights on they immediately go into hiding. Elsa loves them even more than Erik. She screams “Bannit, bannit! CWABS! CWABS!” We’ve finally figured out that bannit means “come on.” Yesterday I told her bannit instead of come on, and she came right to me.

Anyway, she loves to sit and watch them, but gets very frustrated when they don’t move.

Erik loves them so much that he wrote a poem for them. It was not a good poem because he’s six years old, but it was pretty good for a six year old. It had a pleasant symmetry.

I could not believe how little the gal at PetSmart knew about crabs and their needs. Erik had to school her. We decided not to buy them there since they were all half dead. The PetCo guy knew a whole lot more and the crabs were a lot happier and healthier.

Segue: Cake

I want to get Elsa a Curious George cake for her birthday. I have been spoiled by an awesome grocery store bakery in my hometown. I bought my wedding cake from the grocery store. That’s how good they were. So many yummy fillings! Trained decorators! So very different from the grocery stores in our area. Safeway has decent cake, but horrible decorators. Everything that comes out of their bakery looks like it belongs on Cake Wrecks. Giant has nasty cake. Costco has good cake but no Curious George.

There’s a Harris Teeter not too far away, so I will check them out. I know they have awesome cake, but I am not sure about their decorations. There’s a Wegman’s a half hour away but I don’t want to drive that far for a cake. I have no idea if they are any good or not or if they would have Curious George.

I tried to find a cake decorator on Craigslist, but the only one I came up with had the most awful photo gallery.

Hear that scrreeeeeech sound, like a needle on a record? Do you kids remember that sound? Party is canceled. Cake is not that important. I have surgery April 11th. I think I’ll just go to Harris Teeter this afternoon and see what they have. I would still like to get a Curious George cake, but at this point I am feeling overwhelmed.

It wasn’t going to be much of a party. Elsa doesn’t even like people, really. I just sent an e-mail to one set of family friends and asked if they wanted to come over for cake this weekend. We’ll see what they say. Everyone else is out of town for spring break/Easter.

I’m glad I got in for surgery so quickly. Living in this much pain sucks ass. My mom will be here so that helps a lot too. Unfortunately Mike has a huge presentation that day and will probably not be able to come and sit with me. I think it will be fine for my mom to bring Elsa to the waiting room. Elsa is so very, very easy (except when she’s acting 2 and throwing a major tantrum. Problem with having an Amazon child: she’s almost too big and strong to man handle). I think if we get some of those Color Wonder drawing sets and take a dolly she’ll be fine. Erik will be in school and I can ask a neighbor to collect him from the bus. It just sucks that my husband’s job is so family un-friendly.

I need to load some books onto my Kindle in case I end up in the hospital overnight. I just finished Digging to America by Anne Tyler. I’ve never read anything by her before, but now I must have more! Totally not my type of book (just regular ol’ contemporary fiction. Not a speck of magic or murder to be had), but it was our book club book. I was not even going to read it, but then I started it and couldn’t put it down. It is mainly about an older Iranian woman adjusting to life as an immigrant, even after being in America for 20+ years. Her son adopts a daughter from Korea and ends up becoming friends with an American couple that also adopted a daughter. It shows how the families blend their Iranian-ness and American-ness.

Ok, I should get all these people dressed and in the car. We’ll head out to Harris Teeter and see what they can do for us.

My ovarian hairball (aka dermoid cyst) has been acting up. It started hurting Sunday. By Monday I was ready to go to the ER, but what can they do? I took a lot of Advil and hoped I wouldn’t start vomiting (good ol’ Dr. Google told me to go to the ER immediately if that started happening). I am pretty sure this pain outbreak is related to ovulation, but who knows. Maybe the egg tried to burst through the cyst? I have no idea. I’m not a doctor.

I finally had got in to see the doc and have a sono this morning. I basically begged them for surgery and the doctor said that’s all they can do. My understanding is that a dermoid cyst happens when an egg goes crazy and decides to make a baby without the help of a sperm. It just starts growing random stuff. There is no treatment but surgery. You can live with them a long time, but if they start giving you trouble you have to have them out.

Mine has doubled in size in the past 18 months. I had to have an internal sono, which sucks so hard. I would like to give all the men who force women to undergo an internal sonogram before an abortion an anal probe. Someone you are not intimate with is sticking a giant dildo in your hoo-haw. Obviously I consented because it was medically necessary, but to force someone to do that for “moral” reason is nothing less than rape. Maybe you’d have to have one to understand how awful it is.

Anyway, the surgery scheduler is supposed to call me today or tomorrow. Hopefully I can get on the schedule sooner rather than later. My mom will be here a few more weeks, so let’s cross our fingers they can do it while she is here. Plus, it’d be fantastic to get this pain out of my side. Pain makes me grouchy.

He is going to try to do it laproscopically, but if that doesn’t work he’ll have to cut me open and give me a c-section without the baby. Obviously I am hoping the laproscopic surgery works. Recovery from a c-section is no joke, but at least I wouldn’t have a newborn sucking at my teat 24/7.

Speaking of caring for an infant, I believe I smell something that needs to be taken care of. My life is so glamorous!