Parenting Problems
I love Elsa. She has many, many wonderful qualities. She’s often sweet, usually funny, and tries very hard to make us happy.
But. . .
There’s one thing that’s driving me nuts and making me completely worried about her future.
The girl likes to eat.
Of course most parents of 3 year olds would think this is a GREAT thing. On the outside looking in I would also think this was a great thing. I can’t think of any food that she consistently rejects. Some days she rejects everything, but sometimes she eats anything. Erik went through the typical white diet–only eating white foods. I’ve read it has to do with evolution and survival of the fittest. White foods are not likely to be poisonous like a nice red berry might be.
When he was little I refused to fight about food. I provided him healthy food and always made sure there was something he would eat (I refuse to deal with a hungry child. In my personal experience hunger is the number 1 cause of meltdowns and bad attitudes). I lived by the wise words of some random child development book that said children know how to regulate their own hunger. They will not starve or overeat if left to their own devices.
It worked well with Erik. It drove me crazy to keep offering things I knew he wouldn’t eat since I hate waste, but the whole food thing was not much of an issue.
I only describe all this so you’ll understand why I feel like a total noob with Elsa’s issues. I’m supposed to be an experienced parent, but I am at a complete loss with this problem.
Elsa will not stop eating. She wants food when she’s hungry. She wants food when she’s bored. She wants food when she’s upset. She wants food if she happens to see food. Get my drift? Girl wants food.
If we’re on a playdate or whatever, she’ll find the food and just sit there and eat and eat and eat until I put an end to it. It pains me to do so since I firmly believe hungry children should be fed, but there is no way in hell that she can actually be hungry.
She can throw an hour long fit because she wants a bowl of ice cream or sprinkles. Doesn’t matter if I have them in the house or not. If she decides she wants it, she screams and screams and screams and cries and kicks and it is completely awful.
I do all the things I know to do. Ignore her, put her in her room, hug her close and tell her I wish we could eat ice cream all the time, pretend to give her silly ice cream treats, play distracting games. Sometimes the tactics work; sometimes they don’t.
I’ve done a lot of the obvious things. I’ve replaced most of the junk with healthier junk (frozen yogurt vs. ice cream; WhoNu or Kashi cookies; lots of fruit). I offer her strawberries and other good choices when she’s hungry. Sometimes I just flat out refuse to feed her, which hurts my mommy heart.
My next step is to completely get rid of all the junk. It’d be better for the whole family (don’t even get me started on my self-sabotage and complete inability to get back into WeightWatchers. I KNOW it works. I KNOW I need to do it. I HATE the unfairness of life and refuse to help myself. Yadda yadda yadda boring body stuff) if we didn’t have random junk food around here.
I think I’m going to have to set up a much stricter meal/snack schedule. I’m terrible at scheduling, especially when it comes to food. We do a lot of playdates and park days so I hate to be locked into something. Can I really deny her food when it is not the proper time? I’ll become the one woman I really can’t stand! She only feeds her children at certain times (no snacks) with absolutely no deviation, ever. She’s crazy! I don’t want to be crazy, but this is getting out of control.
I’ve had to ask people to stop giving her snacks at playdates. She goes up to everyone and tells them she is hungry. I feel like a heel when I tell them she can’t have pretzels (or whatever–not like anyone is giving out candy), and sometimes she completely loses her shit, but she’ll sit there and eat non-stop for the whole time if she’s allowed to do so.
I am really worried that she likes to eat when she’s upset or bored. She’s too young for that! As a fat woman who has never known a skinny day in my life, it worries me more than words can express that she seems to be following in my footsteps. I want her to be happy and healthy. I have never been happy with my body. How can I save her from the misery that’s plagued me my whole life?
I guess I have a game plan, but I am not thrilled with it. I don’t think it will solve the one thing that drives me absolutely insane. She constantly follows me around and says “I’m hungry, I’m hungry, I’m hungry, I’m hungry.” She ate three adult size pieces of pizza today. Before we were even out the door she started in on the “I’m hungry” business.
It’s hard to be strong in the face of constant crying and whining from your child. I just want it to end. I give in to her more than I should and I know that. I kick myself for that. I hate that I allow myself to be worn down. I know that if I love her I will deny her all these sweets that she demands, but it is hard to take the long view when she is in my face crying.
I need to talk to her ped about it, though I don’t ever find the ped particularly helpful. I suspect they will say “Just don’t give her junky food.” Maybe they will have something better than that. I hope! Her 3 year appointment isn’t until mid-May since I was recovering from emergency surgery around her birthday last year. It is so silly how they can’t have their well child check even one day before the anniversary of their last well child check. I suspect it has something to do with insurance, since the 3 year visit does not include a vaccination.
Anybody with practical experience have any words of wisdom for me? I need to hear that this will turn out ok and she won’t be damaged for life. Food and I have a horrible relationship. I truly believed I could change that in my kids since I have all the knowledge to prevent the food craziness–just not the will power to take care of myself.
Sonja said,
April 25, 2013 @ 9:26 pm
I don’t claim to have personal experience with this at all, but here’s what I was wondering: Could it be a phase? A growth spurt or something?
Other than that… just hang in there. (I know that’s not really all that helpful. Sorry.)
jeanette1ca said,
April 26, 2013 @ 12:38 am
There are medical conditions that cause children to feel hungry all of the time. It is rare, but given how severe her need to eat is, I think I would want to push her doctor to investigate any possibilities, even if they seem far-fetched. The more likely cause is that she has learned this is a way to get and keep attention. If so, it may lessen as she has more interaction outside the home, and when she finds the other children will tease her for it (kids are So mean)!
Antropologa said,
April 26, 2013 @ 5:23 am
My skinny six-year-old claims always to be hungry and eats adult-sized portions of foods of a great variety of foods and has always been a good eater. She exercises a lot and has always been skinny. My baby is shaping up to be similarly interested in eating.
I have pretty regular meal/snack times and rarely serve empty calorie-snacks or anything unscheduled, but if my girl is hungry in between meals she’s allowed to eat all the fruit and cocktail tomatoes and cucumber slices she wants, or maybe a turkey sandwich is she wants to make one. I don’t know how much of that stuff she eats exactly but I do need to buy cocktail tomatoes, pears/apples/grapes, and bread/turkey every time I go to the store, anyway, and she eats well at meals, too. She eats a ton at school and amazes the teachers.
So I don’t know what my point is, but I feel like this works fine for us. You basically can’t overdo it or get overweight on fruit/vegetables, so maybe have a schedule for meals and make those other things available to her at will? If you are really hungry, you will eat fruit. If you are just bored, you might go find something else to do.
If you suspect a sugar addiction is the real issue, well you know how hard that can be to deal with. Cold turkey, which is basically impossible. Might have to avoid society for a while.
As for at playdates and stuff, that’s trickier. Maybe pretend, to her and everyone else, she has a mysterious food sensitivity, and can only eat the food you prepared for her or randomly approve? But I think it’s okay just to say “no” and wait out the temper tantrum, and tell people you don’t want her to ruin her appetite for dinner. People understand not ruining appetites for dinner.
It’s okay to feel hungry, too. That’s a good lesson to learn early. Maybe she is alarmed by that feeling?
Gopher said,
April 26, 2013 @ 7:41 am
Please be strong. I don’t have kids but I can imagine how difficult it would be to say no in the face of a kicking, screaming child.
But please be strong. As one fat person to another, if you can teach her to avoid the weight struggle…then please do it.
You know what you have to do. Tell her she can’t eat all the time, and then be strong.
MommyProf said,
April 27, 2013 @ 6:21 am
All I can tell you is what works for us. We have a fruit bowl and a snack basket that has stuff like rice cakes and high-fiber granola bars in it. If the kids are hungry between meals, they can have something from that. If they are really hungry, that works. If they are just bored, it’s usually not worth it to them. They can decide, and there’s always an abundance of food (Like Antropologa, I buy that stuff weekly) so I don’t feel like I’m denying them.
I also agree that this is worth a conversation with the pediatrician. Not that anything is likely a problem, but food is often an emotional issue for people, so a little scientific perspective might be useful. Then again, given what I do, I probably over value the scientific perspective!
MommyProf said,
April 27, 2013 @ 6:25 am
Oh, one other thing I remembered – I had a friend whose daughter was like that and it turned out that she had some kind of sensory integration issue. I didn’t really understand it, but it has something to do with need for stimulation, and that she could feel things more with her mouth, which was why she always wanted food in it?
I know that sounds weird, but occupational therapy for her (involving a lot of straws and whistles??) completely changed things, and she eats at normal intervals now and chews gum.
So maybe ask about that at the peds?
Again, I didn’t really understand all of that, but it did seem to work.
margievz said,
April 28, 2013 @ 7:40 pm
I’m sorry you are having to deal with this… I have the opposite issue with Liam in that he never wants to eat, and when he does, it’s from only a handful of different items. Hopefully for Elsa this is just a stage, and I will keep my fingers crossed that your new rules will help.
I’ve read somewhere that there is actually such a condition where the body doesn’t have the regulator thingie (technical term, I know) between the stomach and the brain that signals that you aren’t hungry anymore. Maybe you can talk to the ped about the possibility that Elsa may be affected by this?