The Queen's Rambles

I am completely unmotivated. I’ve been completely unmotivated since before Christmas. I can’t seem to take care of myself, my children or my home. Yes, we are all alive and trucking along, but I can’t seem to pull myself out of my chair to do the nitty gritty chores not absolutely required. I don’t vacuum every day like I used to (sounds obsessive, but we have a carpeted dining room so it really needs to be done daily). I don’t interact with Elsa the way I’d like to. I can’t seem to stick to a diet and have completely given up on pretending that I care.

I don’t know.

I need a gigantic kick in the pants, but I don’t know what that kick might be. Mike says I just need to get a job, but nope. Not gonna happen until Elsa is in kindergarten.

I think a huge part of the problem is that I am not socializing all that much anymore. Now that Elsa is in preschool I don’t have many MOMS Club events to go to and I’m getting lonely. I never thought of myself as an extravert, but as I grow older and learn to know myself better I’ve discovered that I am an extravert if I’m with the right crowd. It’s just a matter of finding that crowd. My crowd is slowly moving away and I’m not sure how to replace it.

I feel especially bad that I have been so short with Elsa. She is in the stage that I really can’t handle very well–constantly telling me she doesn’t like me, wants a new mommy, wants to live somewhere else. Yet, she is also constantly pulling at my clothes and sticking her hands under my shirt to grope my belly and boobs. She even tried to nurse when I was getting in the shower and leaned over to put my towel down! Talk about a surprise! Today her preschool teacher pulled me aside and said I needed to work on having her not grope the teacher. She didn’t say it quite like that, but that is what she meant.

I am in a bad cycle with her and I have to change up the game. I am patient, patient, patient, patient, then blow up, then apologize profusely and sometimes give her what she wanted even though I know I am completely undermining my own parenting. I have to start preventing the blow up. I have to get control of myself.

This is a really hard age and I know that. We will get through. I just hope we get through with minimal psychological damage. She is such a different child than Erik. In some ways she is so much easier, but in other ways she is infinitely harder. He was not sensitive at all. Basically you have to yell at him to get his attention and even then he just looks right through you or says “oh, come on.” She melts down at a raised voice. Yet she doesn’t listen to a normal voice. So I yell. And then she wants a new mommy. Is it any wonder?

I really need to do something to refresh myself–my parenting skills, my eating habits, everything. If I was a robot, I could be re-booted. Maybe even refurbished. As it is, I am feeling stuck and don’t know what to do to unstick me.