The Queen's Rambles

My dad is in the hospital and we are not sure what’s going on. My sister called yesterday, full on hysterical, telling me he was going to die and I needed to get out there RIGHT NOW.

I talked to my mom a little later and she said not to come just yet. He is in very poor health, but he’s always in very poor health. Will this be the time he finally gives up the ghost or will he pull through and be at home getting drunk by the time I arrive? It’s hard to know. She is going to corner the doctor and ask him if I should come out or not. I want him to see Elsa one last time (and Erik, of course) if this is really it, but I do not want to travel alone with the kids if it is not it. Just the thought of trying to contain Elsa on that trip makes me want to cry.

My sister is freaking out, of course. She always freaks out. She wants everyone to pray that he will come to know the Lord. I suppose that is an admirable goal, but I prayed so hard for so many years. Not only did I engage in hard core praying, I devoted birthday wishes and every other sort of magical thinking to the wish that he would be saved and not be a total drunkard. I get tired of her drama.

I do feel bad for her, though. She’s obviously mentally unstable. Mental illness runs in my dad’s family and she is clearly suffering.

She has also been dealing with a lot of death. Her sister-in-law died last week. She was a mirror twin and in a wheel chair in very poor health for years and years because her organs were in backwards and didn’t work correctly.

Last month her step-sons’ older half-brother lost his baby to SIDS. Her husband was basically the only father the boy had ever known. Somehow the boy had made a good life for himself with a nice wife, good job, good kids. In other words, he was a normal, contributing member of society. And then he lost his baby. I can only imagine the grief he and his family are going through. It was tough on everyone and somehow my sister inserted herself right in the middle of it all.

And now my dad.

I will know more tomorrow, I hope. I’m trying not to think about it. Of course it will hurt when he goes, but at the moment I am pretty shut down. I can only think of all the terrible things he’s done to his family. He never cared about us at all, or at least not in a way that made any sense. He paid the bills. That’s about the only positive thing that can be said about him.

The last few years he has become sentimental and has tried to show love, but it is sort of hard for me to accept. Too little, too late, you know?