The Queen's Rambles

After a long, long, LONG day yesterday (delayed flights all over the place), we made it home and fell into bed. My mom took out most of the carpeting a few years ago and her big lab has long toenails. All night long that dog was walking all over the place, clicking and clacking, moaning, howling, sticking his nose in my face.

It was not a pleasant sleeping experience.

I am so tired today, but at least I am not wrangling children. Instead, I’m watching my father die.

Doesn’t that sound melodramatic? I think I’m in denial. I mean, I know it’s happening and I have been tearing up, but I can’t imagine it really, really happening.

He woke up when we brought the kids up and seemed happy to see them. He wanted to touch Elsa, so I helped him do that even though she was terrified. I’m glad they let her in because they don’t normally allow babies (or even children) in the ICU but since my dad isn’t contagious they let her in for a few mintues. They don’t want babies leaving the place with pneumonia.

My mom and I have been here all day. I would think it is boring, but there’s only been about 20 minutes of time without visitors. He has a lot of friends who are popping out of the woodwork.

At this point strong meds are keeping him alive and can probably keep him alive for awhile longer. Eventually my mom and her doctor will have to decide if they are going to remove the meds or what. My dad has already said he doesn’t want to be on a ventilator.

It’s a tough thing, as I know some of you know. I am glad I don’t have to make decisions about it. I don’t know what I’ll do when it is is my mother. I do love my dad in the way that a distant daughter loves a father who never did much for her. My mom is my mommy. Hopefully nothing bad will happen to her for many, many more years because I certainly won’t be this calm, cool and collected.

I am so glad Mike was able to come with me. He has the kids and gets to be Mr. Mom today. I am wondering how his grocery shopping excursion went. He can probably do a better job at momming the kids than me because he has a lot more patience.

I would like to talk my mom into going home for the night tonight, but I don’t think she’ll do it. She has been keeping up basically a 24/7 vigil at his side. I can’t believe how gentle and loving she’s being. I didn’t even think she liked him.

I am going to try really hard not to explode on my sister. I know she is sad and hurting. I am just pissed because my travel kit is mostly empty. Last time I was here I bought a box, filled it with several toiletries so I wouldn’t have to pack as much, and wrote “Carrie’s Travel Kit. DO NOT TOUCH!” on the lid.

If you came across that in your parent’s cupboard would you open it and take out all the contents? Would you use the bleep-bleepin’ TOOTHBRUSHES?

I didn’t pack much in the way of toiletries because I knew that was there, but she took everything out but baby shampoo and a thermometer. If we weren’t in the situation we are in I would be in her face, totally going off on her. I know she does a lot of stupid shit and chooses a horrible life style, but that just crossed some invisble line in my head. It was just so blatantly rude and selfish. Just thinking about it is getting me riled up. I’m going to try not to fight with her, but you know in a time of high emotions like this a fight will happen and that will come out.

Ok, I better go. My mom’s neighbor is up here and I’m going to try to bum a ride home with her. I need some rest.