And she wonders why. . .
. . . I want to bash her head into a brick wall.
My mom has been locking all the doors for the first time ever. She doesn’t feel safe with my dad gone (not sure what good he would have done) and her dogs are pretty useless as far as guard-dogging goes. My dad’s friend changed out the main lock and we’ve been very vigilant about keeping things locked up. My mom might forget, but I never feel safe in this town.
So what happens at 6 in the bleep-bleeping am? My sister starts ringing the doorbell, pounding on windows, and making a general racket. Elsa and I both woke up, so there went two hours of sleep.
What was oh-so-important that she had to wake up a very tired, sort of sick mother and her family at that ungodly hour (I know you worker bees probably don’t think six sounds too early, but just imagine it is two hours before your normal wake-up time)? Her make-up. She forgot her foundation and she couldn’t start her day without it. Why? WHY? Where the fuck does she have to go?
And why is her make-up spread out all over the country? She has a house. Isn’t that were her make-up should be?
Oh, and then she wanted me to french braid her hair and got mad when I wouldn’t do it. I have no freakin’ clue how to french braid hair. I have terrible fine motor skills and have no desire to learn.
It is 9:30, I am exhausted. Elsa is exhausted and needs a nap but the phone won’t stop ringing and I can’t turn the ringer off because I don’t want to miss a call if something happens to dad.
When Elsa gets tired she starts biting. Her bites now break the skin. I look like I’ve been attacked by a vampire. If anyone knows how to make a 13 month old quit biting please advise. I am at the end of my rope and am ready to duct tape her mouth closed.
If I have to be up, I would like to take a shower. I’m going to have to shower with Elsa. She will bite me.
I am hating life right now.
Poor, poor me.
I can’t wait to go home on Sunday. I miss our routine. I miss our friends. I miss my husband. I miss a clean home with no crazy people.
It has been really tough being the sole care giver while so ill. My mom is up at the hospital all the time, as she should be, so can’t help. My sister helps a little but I can’t depend on her and even when she’s here I have to supervise. All the kids are sick, so what does she let them do? Go play outside in the freezing cold with no shoes on (at least Erik was smart enough to put shoes on).
Coming to Oregon is always good for me because it makes me appreciate my real life so much more. I don’t think we better come back, though. It seems like things are worse and worse each time we come. What will happen next time? Murder? Car accident? I don’t know, and I don’t want to press my luck.
Laurie said,
June 3, 2011 @ 12:44 pm
I don’t post much, but I am a loyal follower of you and I am always so sorry when you have to deal with your family. I know the feelings of guilt that come with not wanting to be a part of their dysfunction. Just know you aren’t alone and your feelings are valid. I’m sorry about your Dad, and can relate to how disconnected you feel in terms of him. I had that with my mother, who died a year ago. I loved her, just because she gave birth to me, but never liked or respected her. She was never a part of my life, so I didn’t miss her when she died. I did mourn the Mom I never had — but, it wasn’t her. She was also an alcoholic and contributed very little to…well, anything. The hardest part for me was that nobody on this earth would miss her. That still amazes me. Anyway — again, I just want you to know that you aren’t alone and to tell you how important it is for you to give yourself permission to feel however it is you feel about every one of these people. Not going back after this, may be the best thing for you and your kids. I know you want your children to have relationships with cousins, aunts, uncles, etc., but is it really with ‘these’ cousins, aunts and uncles?
I’m sending you good healing thoughts so you’ll get better physically and be able to deal with the next few days without strep! Hang in there. Hugs from NH.