The Queen's Rambles

First, thank you all so so so so so so so much for coming in and jumping to my defense about my mom’s craziness. I was extremely upset and had a couple of sleepless nights, but I think I’m over it now. I was almost crying from the outpouring of support (I am a hormonal pregnant lady after all). You guys are the bestest.

Now for the weekend report:

I had such a great weekend! Sometimes a person just really needs to step outside their regular life and go someplace where no one is climbing on your back, running into you as hard as they can, petting your hair, sticking their hands down your shirt, asking you ten billion questions that you don’t know have answers for, crying for candy canes and strawberry ice cream, ripping their clothes off with little provocation and repeating everything you say because they want to be a “coffee cat.”

Whew!

I spent a lovely Saturday baking cookies with friends, as has been a tradition since I moved to the area and Heather told me to call her friend because she would be nice to me. Normally I go all out and try to bake a billion things, but this year I stuck to one recipe and tried not to fall asleep on the table. I am very un-vivacious these days, but I guess I get a pass since I’m gestating.

Then today I went back down through the torrential rains and exchange cookies with a bunch of people. Again, no one tried to molest me, torture me, bribe me or beat me. Very refreshing!

I talked to my mom. I almost didn’t answer the phone, but when I did she was totally chipper, like nothing had even happened. She had no idea that I had been so upset that I was ready to write “FUCK YOU” all over her Christmas card. She had no clue that she had done anything wrong!

I told her I was really angry with her and she couldn’t even imagine what I had to be angry about. I told her we were naming the baby Elsa and she started back pedalling really fast, saying it was a pretty name and the Borden cow was really Elsie and was 40 years ago so no one would even remember. Then she said she was just trying to get me worked up so I’d explode and tell her the name and her plan worked since I told her the name.

Sometimes that woman is unreal.

She did apologize.

I don’t know which would be worse–if she really did all that just to get a reaction or if she was just saying that as an excuse for her very hurtful behavior.

I believe she is suffering from depression, but I believe her depression manifests itself as anger instead of typical depression symptoms. She has a lot to be depressed about and her life just totally sucks. A lot of that is her own fault, but some of it is unavoidable. She lost her best friend almost two years ago and her mother just six months ago so depression would not be out of the question. I find it frustrating to watch her do things that keep her mired in her current circumstances instead of looking for ways to improve her situation. There have been several opportunities, but I guess she is afraid of change or she enjoys being around alcoholics or she likes drama. I don’t know. I am a person who refuses to be unhappy for long. If I don’t like the way my life is going I do something about it. Some people might say I run away from my problems or that I’m a quitter, but I say I am a person who is not going to sit around having a pity party indefinitely. I’ll have a pity party for awhile, but eventually I’m going to figure out a way to make life better. I deserve happiness. I have a surprisingly high self-esteem for someone with such intense body hatred. It’s a puzzle.

So now the name cat is out of the bag and I have been telling people. So far everyone says they think it is a lovely name, so I haven’t had to leap across the table and rub some one’s face in a plate of sugar sprinkles. Yet.

I just need to go rub my face in a plate of Tums. Ugh. Heartburn.