Increased Activity
I am deeply, deeply unhappy with my weight right now. I know it is a boring topic. I should just take care of it. I know that. But here I am, talking about it again. We’re back to self-loathing. I can’t stand looking at pictures of myself. I hate that I am starting to get out of breath when I have to walk too far. I hate this.
My weight has been a struggle forever. I always thought “one day I’ll be thin and beautiful.” That day never came, and at 38 I realize that day is never coming. It’s all downhill from here and I need to get my ass in gear, stat!
It was so easy to lose weight when Erik was a toddler. The kid never slept. The kid never sat still. He RAN everywhere. I would take him to the park for hours at a time and would literally chase him for three hours straight. I had to, or I would lose him. Plus, I would go to the gym for an hour and a half every day for the low-cost babysitting.
I had no idea how good I had it.
Going to the gym with Elsa has been almost impossible. I couldn’t leave her there for the first 15 months because she would have such a horrible melt-down. Then she was sick every other week. I was sick every other week. We were never sick at the same time.
I take her to the park, but she doesn’t run. I don’t have to chase her. She’s such an easy, easy toddler. Yes, she’s very two and has her moments of extreme tantrums. I’m just not doing all that extraneous running.
I never even connected my lack of weight loss with Elsa’s lack of running until an old friend pointed out that I was lucky I didn’t have to run all the time like I did with Erik. In her words, “that kid ran more than any kid I’ve ever seen in my life.”
I’m not blaming Elsa. Not at all. It just made me realize that I need to bump up my activity levels because I am not getting any natural exercise.
My goal was to lose 10 lbs from the date of my surgery to my physical. That gave me eight weeks. It’s been four weeks and I’ve gained two pounds.
Suuuuuuuucks.
I’ve cut down on snacking and I’ve been taking the kids for walks or to the gym. It just all feels so helpless. I need to do something extreme. I need to find a diet I can stick with and make work. I just don’t know what diet that would be. I’m not asking for suggestions. Please, please, please for the love of all that is unholy please do not make a single suggestion. I am just venting, not seeking advice. I’ve been struggling with this weight loss thing for 30 years. I’ve heard of every diet out there from Shangri-la to Paleo.
So bah humbug to me. I hope I can flip a switch in my head and turn my motivation on. I guess I just don’t want it bad enough. Or, more likely, I know that it takes a hell of a lot of work to do it and I’m not even sure it’s worth it.
Antropologa said,
May 16, 2012 @ 11:24 pm
Similar boat. Frustrating!
Gopher said,
May 17, 2012 @ 7:56 am
Hang in there, you’re not alone. I get this same self loathing Every. Single. Spring. without fail. When winter sets in, I always think, cool, I have the whole long, boring, trapped-in-the-house-with-nothing-to-do winter ahead of me to meal plan, diet, and go to the gym. By spring, I’ll be thin and sassy.
Then spring comes and I haven’t done a damn thing, and I get a bout of depression about it, kick myself around for a bit, make a million promises, and get on with enjoying my summer, fat and all.
And I have a great summer.
And fall comes and the cycle starts again. Ugh!
If you figure out a way to get motivated, pass it on! lol….
Jennifer said,
May 17, 2012 @ 1:01 pm
I agree, sucks. Been trying for ever. 🙂
Jeanette1ca said,
May 17, 2012 @ 2:29 pm
No advice. I’ve been trying for 6 months to step up the exercise and lose some weight – with the threat hanging over me of having to go to insulin — and I STILL can’t do it. My only comforting thought – my Danish ancestors assure me I WILL survive the winter while all those skinny people starve.
beck said,
May 17, 2012 @ 9:44 pm
Self-loathing sucks. I totally identify.