The Queen's Rambles

Last night Erik was taking his shower and I was instructing him on all the parts he needed to wash. He does it himself, but if it was up to him he wouldn’t use any soap or do any scrubbing. In fact, if it was up to him he would never take a bath/shower.

This is a little personal now that he is older, but he is not circ’d. There is a lot of misconception about uncirc’d boys and how to properly take care of the equipment. Basically, you do nothing with it for several years. It takes 4-6 years before the foreskin loosens and can be pushed back and cleaned. The best way to cause problems with an uncirc’d penis is to push the foreskin back and clean the area before the skin loosens.

Erik is finally at a point where we need to worry about this, so I was instructing him to take care of business.

Erik: Mom, quit talking to me. I can handle it myself.

Me: Ok, but you really need to keep it clean.

Erik: Mom, if you tell your boyfriend how to handle his wiener he’s going to slap you.

Me: (blank, thinking What the actual FUCK?) What do you mean?

Erik: Boys can handle their own wieners. You’re going to get slapped when you start telling your boyfriend how to handle his.

Me: If someone slaps me I will call the police and they’ll go to jail. Besides, I don’t have a boyfriend.

Erik: Well, daddy will slap you if you tell him how to handle his wiener.

Me: Do you really think daddy would ever slap me? Have you ever seen daddy slap me?

Erik: Hmmmm. . . I guess not.

So while Erik is finishing up, I go in and whisper this conversation to Mike because it is so upsetting and strange. Mike doesn’t know what to say, so he just goes “oooooookaaaaaay.”

When I come out of the room, Erik is standing at the door listening and informs me that “Daddy just said ok because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, but it is not ok!”

I just can’t get over the fact that he thinks boyfriends slap women when they say things they “shouldn’t” say. And, of course, I can’t stop giggling hysterically at the phrase “handle your wiener.”