The Queen's Rambles

What a rotten day, weather wise. I guess we are having a tornado or something? Heavy rainstorms? I don’t know. I just don’t want to be out there. Did I already tell you that my children are products of the DC area? It’s 75 degrees out and Elsa is shivering, saying “wheel-wee [really] cold, mom, wheel-wee cold. Get my jacka [Swedish word for coat]! Now, MOM!” Yes, she’s bossy.

She then proceeds to wear a winter coat, while I enjoy the fresh breeze in my tee shirt and shorts.

I caused Erik to have a complete meltdown last night. Every week they do a Math Facts test based on their abilities. They continue on from where they left off the year before. He is currently doing subtraction with 4 as the number. So he goes from 4-4 to 13-4. In kindy, the kids could take as much time as they needed. In first grade they have one minute to do these 10 problems. That’s 6 seconds per problem. Even though he is great at math, he is not so great at writing and thinking on his feet. The teacher sent home a practice test and it was taking him much too long to do the page, so I had a brilliant idea to help him come up with a faster strategy.

I taught him to look for the 13-4 and start there, then go backwards from there instead of doing it in order. So first he would write 9, then 8, then 7 and so on. He understood the strategy. He liked doing it that way. He had me write up a bunch of practice tests and got his time down to 27 seconds.

I did my weight lifting class today (Body Pump) and feel like I’ve been through the wringer. I am so hungry! I’ve been scarfing down bananas, grapes, tomatoes and sugar snap peas like nobodies business, but I really want some carbs or a big hunk of protein. I know the WW program lets you trade activity for food so I guess I need to figure out how that works. It says I earned 12 activity points. Does that mean I get to eat 12 points worth of food? Because if so, watch out chicken, here I come!

Tonight will be the real test of my fortitude. I have a meeting at Starbucks. I can have a pumpkin spice latte if I keep my dinner under control, but do I really want to give five points to a drink?

Ok, no more diet talk. I hate diet talk. Let’s talk about something fun instead!

Ummmmmm.

I folded laundry today! I did two loads of dishes! I need to go make Erik do his homework!

Wheeeee! It’s a laugh a minute around this place. Whatever happened to the days when I could ramble about anything?

It’s a Jewish holiday today, which meant Erik didn’t have school. Mike has a ton of unused vacation days that he has to burn off before the end of the year so he decided to take the day off, too. Fun family times! We had a Groupon for a touristy cruise along the Potomac, so we assessed the weather (beautiful), assessed our children (needed fresh air) and headed into DC.

The cruise was a lovely little jaunt along the river. I’ve lived in the DC area 8 years, but I think I learned more in 20 minutes than I have in the past 8 years combined. It was very interesting to see everything from the river. It truly is a beautiful city.

The only hitch in the plan was Little Miss Elsa, our water baby. She tried to jump ship several times, finally ordering Mike to “go away” so she could clamber over. He did not obey and she was indignant.

We almost felt like we were in an action flick with airplanes chasing us down. Planes going into Reagan National fly along the Potomac to land. They were barreling down at us, one right after the other, landing gear down. I think we could have waved at the passengers and they would have seen us.

We also saw three black helicopters coming in for a landing by the White House. The old people from Ohio didn’t believe me when I told Erik the president was probably in one of them. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but I’ve been told that when you see three black helicopters the president is travelling in one of them. The other two are decoys. You’d be surprised how often we see this happen. I just learned a few weeks ago that Camp David is just a little bit north of us. I thought it was far away on the East Coast. Ummmm. I forget where I live sometimes.

I started Weight Watchers yesterday and I have some hope that this program might work for me. Maybe I should have started it years ago. Every time I think of Weight Watchers, I think of this old lady who used to come into the Mexican restaurant I worked at. She had a really awful wig and scary, veiny hands. She always ordered half a taco salad with plain meat, no cheese, no sour cream. She would get hysterical if the cook did not prepare it EXACTLY to her specifications. I was just the dishwasher, so I don’t really know all the myriad ways he screwed it up.

I think I had a mental block about WW because of her.

But now I’m doing it. I’m hungry, but I’ve got lots of fruits and veggies to combat the hunger. In the age of the internet it is super easy to input recipes and foods and find out the point values. I am having some trouble thinking of things to eat, mainly because I never measure out my recipes. If I do it one meal at a time I will eventually build a meal library.

I didn’t realize just how much crap I was stuffing into my face when I fed the kids. Make some mac and cheese, eat a few spoonfuls. Dip out some ice cream for them, have a big tablespoon for myself. Cut up some cheese, have a few slices. And so on.

Accounting for every morsel that passes my lips is very eye opening and something I should have done years ago. My mom made me do it when I was a teenager and I hated it.

Maybe I need a therapist to get over all these old hurts that are keeping me from moving forward.

But I’m moving forward now. I hope like crazy this is the answer for me. I have been going to the gym every day, but I am still gaining weight (not muscle weight, either. I look more pregnant now than I ever did with either pregnancy).

My mom called yesterday and I could immediately tell something was wrong. I thought my sister had finally done herself in either on purpose or accident, but no. My 30ish year old cousin had died. What a complete shock.

It is always such sad news when someone so young passes. I didn’t really know him at all. The last time I saw him I was fresh out of college, subbing at my old high school and he was one of the students. He wasn’t really a cousin in terms of blood. His grandma was married to my dad’s brother. When they got married she already had a couple of kids and one of those kids was this cousin’s dad.

I didn’t actually know him through family connections because his dad was not interested in being around my dad, but he lived next door to my best friend for a few years. My best friend, Ron, had a whole passel of brothers and sisters, so Tucker would often hang around and play. I think he was the same age as another sibling in that family.

Even when he was an itty-bitty kid we knew he was gay. Being gay in a tiny hick town back in the ’80s and ’90s was not easy. It is my understanding that his mom and dad did not accept this at all and gave him a really hard time. I know he was tortured pretty badly in high school. He was out and proud, but this was almost 20 years ago. Bullying gay students was still socially acceptable.

I think I helped stop a little bit of that because his chief tormenter was the brother of one of my good friends from high school. One of my gay friends. When I caught this dumb ass kid harassing Tucker right in front of me I simply said “So, how’s Charles doing?” He turned all shades of green. I told Tucker to ask him about Charles every time he started in on him and it seemed to work. Not that it solved all his problems, obviously, but it was nice to do one small thing for him.

After high school he moved in with my cousin (his aunt) and had a great time living in a bigger city where he was not endlessly tortured.

That all came to a screeching halt a few years ago when he had some kind of health crisis that messed with his brain. I have no clue what happened, I just know he had to go and live near his mom and dad and have pretty intense therapy. He died from a seizure yesterday morning.

My heart is totally breaking for my Aunt Jewell and my cousin. My aunt took my dad in when he was a teenager. She had her own two kids, an infant and a very mentally ill husband to take care of (my dad’s brother). But still, she took in an abused, abandoned 13 year old who didn’t have a clue how to function in a family. I want to go to Oregon just to hug her.

My cousin always loved Tucker more like a sibling than a nephew. I know she has to be completely devastated.

I’m mourning a short life of lost potential. I didn’t know him well, but that doesn’t make it any less tragic.

I’m supposed to be at playgroup right now, but Elsa is still asleep and shows no signs of waking up any time soon. No worries–she’s breathing! She’s just very, very asleep.

We all went to Back to School night last night, which was probably a mistake. It was deadly boring, though it was all information that was very relevant and good to have. Mike didn’t get to learn much because he was off chasing Elsa through the halls. Erik said the whole thing felt like it took 18 hours. Yes, son, it really did.

It was dark when it was over and the kids started talking about monsters in the car, which I hate. Erik does not know how to moderate his words around Elsa. Why would he? He’s six. Still, it’s not good for Elsa to hear about scary monsters and spiders and tigers all the time.

The kids went to bed about an hour later than normal, which led to an off night. Elsa woke up screaming in middle of the night for the first time in almost two weeks (shhhhhh! I wasn’t going to tell you she was sleeping through the night. Didn’t want to jinx it). Erik woke up on the couch in the basement with no recollection of how he got there.

Overall: not a stellar night’s sleep for anyone.

I really liked Erik’s teacher. His kindy teacher would always use a lot of education buzz words that no one understood. I used to be a teacher and I could barely follow what she was saying, so I felt really bad for the parents who didn’t work in the field. This year’s teacher was perfectly understandable and explained the curriculum really well. It is very different from what we did as kids, but on the whole I think it is good.

They use an integrated approach, which I like. For example, this quarter they are talking about living creatures. This week they have looked at bugs, read about bugs, written about bugs, counted bugs, added and subtracted bugs, and so on. All things bugs!

They also have a big push for critical thinking skills, which I like.

The thing I don’t like: they spend FOREVER on a concept. They say that instead of covering a mile of territory and only going an inch deep, they cover an inch of territory and go a mile deep. In the abstract I think this is a good thing, but Erik is already so far ahead on some of the concepts that it doesn’t work in reality. Having him sit there for weeks and “discover how numbers work” is incredibly boring to him. He knows how numbers work. Not saying he couldn’t use some more ground work, but he taught himself multiplication and division, for cripes’ sake. Sitting around at his desk with 8 blocks, discovering different ways to group them is not going to hold his attention for long.

They do have math groups, but have not started them yet. I am holding out a little hope that the math groups might give more advanced instruction.

What else is going on?

I’m just sitting here, waiting for Elsa to wake up. It’s 10 am.

I guess it’s good that we are missing playgroup. I have a lot of stuff to get done today, but didn’t know how I would fit it all in. I need to take the van in to get the exhaust inspected. Today is the deadline, of course. I kept putting it off, but can’t put it off anymore. There are no conveniently located inspection stations, which is the main problem. I will literally have to drive 30 minutes to get to an inspection place. The only good thing is that the inspection station is near the very nice, big Costco. I can take care of some shopping without having my blood pressure go through the roof. Our nearest Costco is about ten minutes away, but it’s always a zoo.

I guess I should also call the bowling alley and book Erik’s party. I filled out their online form over a week ago. It said I would be contacted by a “party specialist” within 72 hours. I guess the party specialist must have taken a bowling ball to the head and forgot to call me.

This year is going to be tough as far as invites go. I’m not inviting younger siblings. I can’t handle a bunch of kids with bowling balls swinging them around toddler heads. I’m letting Erik choose 10 kids and that’s it. Politics be damned. He’s old enough to know who he likes and who he wants at the party. I’m not going to make him invite people he doesn’t like, even if they do live 20 feet from my front door.

Ugh. Really hope I don’t piss people off, but by age 7 shouldn’t a kid get to have the party they want, not the party that makes everyone else happy? No one is obligated to host people they don’t even like on the day that is supposed to be all about happiness.

Erik is very much a social animal, but he is becoming more picky about his friends. This is a good thing, I think. I need to stop being a people pleaser. I was trained to be a doormat and am slowly coming out of that mind set, but it is still difficult at times.

Apparently I should use a laundry basket instead of kicking a bundle of dirty sheets down the stairs. Somehow my foot went behind me, I started sliding down the stairs, the leg was pulled up behind me and I think my heel ended up touching my head. I only slid down about six steps, but it was enough to leave me screaming and in pain. I thought I was going to end up pitching over head first and flying down the stairs, so I’m thankful that didn’t happen!

I’m pretty sore right now. I took some ibuprofen, but am wondering if I should break into my stash of prescription pain killer from my surgery this spring. It would be nice to zone out of the world for a few hours.

I think I’ll be ok, but my Kindle ended up under my butt. The screen is dead. Bah. I talked to Amazon tech support and I’ll be getting a new one at a discounted price (I have to send this one back in). I’m glad to get a new one, but was not pleased at the options. I could either get a Kindle Touch which I refuse to have. I have a hard time making touch devices function. Every time I try to read with Mike’s Nook it ends up freezing on me, esp if I use it at the gym (the main place I read). Danged sweaty fingers.

I was able to get one with buttons, but it does not have a built in keyboard like my current Kindle. I guess I’ll survive. I only use the keyboard to search for new books. I suppose in a worse case scenario I can buy books from my computer and put them onto the Kindle account.

In completely unrelated news: my mom called and is going to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with us. I hope it works out. I will be beyond pissed if she has to leave early and completely disappoints Erik.

If she really does stay that long we’ll be able to attend Mike’s Christmas party with no problems. I haven’t been to one in several years b/c we never can find a babysitter. Or someone is sick. Not looking forward to all the winter crud that seems to keep us homebound.

I need to stop shopping on Zulilly (a clearance kid’s site). Yes, some of their things are fabulous steals (especially Crocs and some other trusted brands). But then you’ve got the clothes that photograph really well, but once you hold them in your hand you want to puke.

I bought this bright turquoise tunic with zebra stripe ruffling on the hems and a desi flair. I like turquoise. I like zebra stripe ruffling. I like desi flair.

I do not like cheap ass zebra striped satin old lady feeling nighty material poorly attached to some nasty, see through polyester. Ugh.

Just looking at this tunic gives me the creeps. I would probably hyperventilate if I actually saw Elsa wearing it.

Ummmm. Yes. I am a little weird and overreact to children’s clothing choices sometimes.

I’m so mad, because it had so much promise! And Zulilly has no returns, so I’m out the cash. Bah. I guess that site is all about risks and I lost this one. Usually I win.

So now what to do with this awful shirt? I was thinking of selling it on eBay, but surely I would get a negative review when the buyer opened the package and realized it was a disgustingly cheap polyester monstrosity. I don’t think I can type up an ad that is truthful without saying something like “get this thing out of my house before I burn it!” And then who would want to buy it?

Mike suggested I give it to the neighbor. That’s probably the best solution, but how do I explain giving her a perfectly good shirt that Elsa could wear?

Now I know you are thinking “The shirt is so awful you won’t sell it on eBay, but you’ll give it to the neighbor? What the hell?”

This is my Pakistani neighbor. I think this shirt must be more Pakistani than Indian. My Indian friends and neighbors wear absolutely beautiful, flawless clothing. My Pakistani friends and neighbors wear clothing that is just “off” to American eyes. It is almost the same as the Indian clothing, but not quite. It can be beautiful, but most of the time it makes me wince. They really like to use that horrid satin, old lady nightie fabric. They mix fabrics that shouldn’t be mixed (to American sensibilities). They like shiny. The colors are always off, to my sensitive eyes.

My neighbor sews a lot of the clothing she and her girls wear and unfortunately she’s not a good seamstress. Not that I could do better. Sewing shiny satin material is incredibly difficult.

And yes I know I sound like a judgmental bitch. But something about those mis-matched, ugly ass clothes on sweet little girls hurts my little tiny fashion loving heart. Some days I have to draw the curtains when they are out playing because I can’t stand to see the gold lamé pants with the pale yellow easter dress. I know, I know. I would never say anything. But. . . gold lamé pants. I don’t understand!

Oh dear. Elsa is awake and screaming. I am not allowed to look at her or touch her, but maybe I’ll put some food in her doggie bowl and leave it under the table for her. I’m a great mom, that way.

I’ve had a really great week, even if it has been hectic. I can’t believe just one week ago I was hosting a million people in my house, making thousands of copies, worrying about newsletters and attending trainings. That seems like it happened years ago.

Today’s a holiday, then it will start all over again.

I am just so, so pleased that Erik loves his new teacher. I didn’t want to be a big bother, but I couldn’t help myself. I sent her a brief e-mail telling her that she’ll have Erik eating out of her hands if she will give him an occasional math problem. Instead of writing back a bunch of goobeldy-gook about how she loves teaching and loves children and loves teaching children and NO NOT GONNA HAPPEN, she wrote back a lovely little reply “Thanks, I’ll try it!” And she did and Erik is in love with her.

NOT SO HARD, EVIL KINDY TEACHER.

Erik was in tears when he came home from school on Friday. Mama Bear was ready to go cut a thug, but it turns out the problem was that there was no school on Monday. He loves school. Can you believe the difference a teacher makes? All my nerves were for nothing. If this continues we are going to have a great year. Please, dear Mrs. First Grade Teacher, let this continue.

I almost have Erik’s Man in the Yellow Hat costume assembled. He was not totally pleased with the hat, but decided it would work. It’s a beach bucket hat and I’ll put a black band around it.

The only thing left is the pants. Yellow pants are not all that popular, though they seem to be making a comeback as tight lady’s denim jeans. I can either pay a butt load of money for used Spanish pants on e-bay, buy a hundred at wholesale prices from a sweat shop in China and become the master yellow pants lady on e-bay or die some white pants yellow. Guess what option I’m going with?

I did find some super cute training pants with PUL in the crotch from the Chinese sweatshops. I seriously considered buying a lot and selling them off just so Elsa could have cupcakes on her butt. Then I google searched cupcake training pants and bought a pair from an e-bayer. Might have been more expensive per pair, but now I don’t have a truck load of crazy in my living room.

Also, it is bad to buy from Chinese sweatshops. I know this. I feel guilty.

I also feel guilty because we’ve given up our reel mower (one of those old fashioned push mowers that cuts the lawn with man power instead of gas or electric power) and bought a gas mower. We tried. We really, really tried. But our grass is just too thick and weedy. If you don’t mow at least twice a week the grass gets too thick and the reel mower won’t cut worth a damn.

There are three townhouses in our row of eight that never mow their lawn. One is next to us so we cut their lawn. The other two are at the other end. Now that we have this super splendid mower I might sneak down there and mow their lawn. Maybe I’ll mow all the lawns! I hate weedy, trashing looking yards. This mower is a “recycling” mower, so it chops things up super finely and leaves it as mulch. You can even mulch up to five inches of leaves. Sounds better than raking to me!

And now I am off to get the hermit crabs out of their tank. Maybe we can set them up in the lawn mower box, then I won’t have to keep such good track of them.

I am in way, way over my head. I don’t know what to do. I am so irritated with myself for thinking I am super woman and can do everything. I am so irritated with other people who don’t answer e-mails and aren’t willing to answer questions.

Did I mention the science program that I was hoping our school would offer? I think I did. It is an afterschool program ran by a non-profit organization. They can only operate if they have a PTA coordinator. Everyone said it was oh-so-easy. The coordinator just passes out the fliers, tallies up the registration and sends out a few e-mails.

Ha.

Hahahahahahahaha.

Our school decided we could do it and I am the coordinator.

I spent over an hour at the school making copies yesterday while Elsa was strapped into her stroller. Thankfully she was pretty content as long as I kept feeding her crackers. I do not want to feed her crackers for an hour.

Now the questions are rolling in and I have no freakin’ clue how to answer them. How does the activity bus work? I don’t know. Who will make sure the kindergartners walk from the door of their home room to the door of the science room? I don’t know. A grown-up or patrol, I would assume? Who is eligible for a scholarship? I don’t know. Oh! Now I know! I can give out three scholarships at my discretion. Awesome, but also kind of uncomfortable to have that kind of power.

How do I get answers to these questions? I need to talk to the PTA president. She does not answer e-mail. It is incredibly, incredibly annoying to send these e-mails out to the void with questions that need a timely response and get nothing.

So the principal said something about the vice-principal knowing about the activity bus. I thought “a-ha! I’ll ask her! I bet she knows stuff.” I got a very rude e-mail back saying that she does not have the answers to any of my questions and I need to talk to the PTA president.

I wanted to slap the biatch. There is no need for rudeness. This is a program that will greatly benefit the students at her school. It is reasonable to assume someone at the school could tell me something.

So now I guess I will get on the phone and call the president. She is nice to talk to, but I always feel like such a bother when I call someone. What if they are in middle of something else? Ugh.

I am never volunteering for anything again.

We all believe that, right?

ETA: All that irritation and I just had a great phone conversation with the PTA president. Maybe phone calls aren’t so bad.

Last night Erik was taking his shower and I was instructing him on all the parts he needed to wash. He does it himself, but if it was up to him he wouldn’t use any soap or do any scrubbing. In fact, if it was up to him he would never take a bath/shower.

This is a little personal now that he is older, but he is not circ’d. There is a lot of misconception about uncirc’d boys and how to properly take care of the equipment. Basically, you do nothing with it for several years. It takes 4-6 years before the foreskin loosens and can be pushed back and cleaned. The best way to cause problems with an uncirc’d penis is to push the foreskin back and clean the area before the skin loosens.

Erik is finally at a point where we need to worry about this, so I was instructing him to take care of business.

Erik: Mom, quit talking to me. I can handle it myself.

Me: Ok, but you really need to keep it clean.

Erik: Mom, if you tell your boyfriend how to handle his wiener he’s going to slap you.

Me: (blank, thinking What the actual FUCK?) What do you mean?

Erik: Boys can handle their own wieners. You’re going to get slapped when you start telling your boyfriend how to handle his.

Me: If someone slaps me I will call the police and they’ll go to jail. Besides, I don’t have a boyfriend.

Erik: Well, daddy will slap you if you tell him how to handle his wiener.

Me: Do you really think daddy would ever slap me? Have you ever seen daddy slap me?

Erik: Hmmmm. . . I guess not.

So while Erik is finishing up, I go in and whisper this conversation to Mike because it is so upsetting and strange. Mike doesn’t know what to say, so he just goes “oooooookaaaaaay.”

When I come out of the room, Erik is standing at the door listening and informs me that “Daddy just said ok because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, but it is not ok!”

I just can’t get over the fact that he thinks boyfriends slap women when they say things they “shouldn’t” say. And, of course, I can’t stop giggling hysterically at the phrase “handle your wiener.”

We had a very successful first day of school in these parts, even if it did begin with utter panic. I was surprised when we got the bus schedule and it said the new time was 8:24. I couldn’t even begin to guess how the bus was going to get to school on time, much less let the free/reduced lunch kids have time for breakfast. I thought it must have some magical Knight Bus properties that I wasn’t aware of and thanked my lucky stars for the extra 15 minutes.

That all came crashing down at 8:11, when the bus rumbled by. The whole neighborhood went flying out the doors with clothes half-buttoned, no name tags for the lower elementary kids, and shoes in hand. The bus driver had no idea that we were told the bus came at 8:24 and he was just as confused as me about how he would be able to get to school in time. There is no magic button.

I hosted a Mommies and Muffins breakfast as a special back-to-school thing. I had seven moms and ten toddlers in my teeny-tiny townhouse. Somehow it all worked and we all sat around my super small living room while the kids rolled around. This was a MOMS Club event so it could have drawn in a crowd that I didn’t totally love, but somehow it ended up being all moms that I really, truly enjoy spending time with. Fun morning!

Elsa, my little shy darling, was not impressed. She will play with kids when we are out and about but she hates company. She went to the basement and refused to come upstairs. Our Wii-mote is missing so she couldn’t get a show for herself. When I checked on her she was happily watching Food Network. Goofball.

Yesterday Erik watched Cupcake Wars and then decided he could create his own cupcake creation. I decided to let go of control and let him do it. I hate letting go of control.

Surprisingly, his recipe turned out pretty good. The cupcakes had a slightly strange texture and didn’t really rise properly but were not terrible. I was disappointed because it meant that Erik was justified in his own brain with his thoughts of cupcake cooking grandeur. Of course, the kid can whip up a batch of brownies almost entirely on his own so it is not like he is a completely inexperienced baker.

The frosting was another story–it completely flopped. Mwahahahaaha. Should have listened to your mother, kid!

Still tasty, but very soupy. We tried to inject them into the cupcakes and that was a big fail.

My mom never ever ever would have let me do something like that, so I always feel like I’m doing something weird when I let him experiment like that. Like I shouldn’t let him fail and I shouldn’t let him waste food. But then I breathe and tell myself that even though it is food, it is cheaper than crappy plastic toys that he plays with for three minutes and ignores. At least he is learning some practical real world skills when I let him cook his crazy recipes.

But back to the first day of school! I think it went well. Erik was happy and bubbly when he came home and was even eager to do his homework (filling out a poster about himself and decorating it). I know it was just the first day high, but I am hoping things continue on a good path.

In other good news, a friend brought me a printer she no longer wanted because it didn’t have wi-fi. All because I threw a fit on FB. I guess FB is good for something! I went and bought ink for it today and Mike is getting it set up. I may be able to get some work done without pulling my hair out. How does a person without a job have so much crap to print? I need to start making to-do lists again. Not simple ones either, but a whole big chart with my tasks divided up. I am doing three things for the PTA, getting Campfire rolling again, and still heavily involved in MOMS Club. It’s getting to be a lot. I am excited about Campfire. We went to a training this weekend and learned a lot of really great stuff. They are re-branding and rolling out national ads in the next few weeks. If you were ever considering Campfire, now is the time to join! I highly recommend contacting your state council even if you don’t think they have clubs in your area. They generally don’t advertise the small family clubs.

And now I am going to go watch Grimm and enjoy the rest of my evening!